perhaps some cliches in here but mostly truth

something i am understanding a little more each day:
you create yourself a little more each day.

work hard.
play hard.
love hard.
but don't be hard.
be soft,
even when you get hurt so badly or you feel so angry that you could just turn to stone.
dream big and then go for it,
even when people or your own
insecurities
try to tear it all down.
jump.
don't fear the fall,
embrace it.

you're in control of your own happiness.
you create this life.
this journey is all yours,
but it's all about connections with others.

soak it all in, baby.

dear will,

i can't remember the last time i heard your voice.
and when i say that
i mean
YOUR voice
not your voice affected
                        infected.

i call you every single day.
i have never stopped calling.
it got hard when the voice said
"you have reached the voicemail inbox of.."
dead
and harder still when it turned to
"the number you are calling is not reachable."
gone


but i still try every day because
i imagine the day you pick up.
it will be the best day.


i hope you don't just call
i hope i can see your eyes again.

please, god or whatever is out there,
let me see his eyes again.

and i'm holding on to this hope that you will come back...
despite my better judgement
or the present moment
that says
"he blew in and out like the wind...
now let him go
like the wind lets go
of all it touches."

whiteknuckles
nothingbuthope
nochoice
andthatsjustme

everywhere i look,
i see you.
you know where to find me.

love,
ali

PS-no no...yeah...yeah no...i know.

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.

warning...just real dark shit i guess.

sometimes i have experiences in life that just lock me away.
it's weird.
i guess i am not locked away. i guess they render me unable to react
or to express, rather, in a constructive way,
(because lawd knows i am expressing some shit on the reg)
what i am truly feeling about them.
my journal stays empty, i don't pick up the guitar, the blog doesn't change and really i put on this mask that everything is okay and then eat some chocolate or something to make myself feel like i'm
"dealing with shit."
sounds depressing...i know. and it is sad.

it's kind of a helpless feeling.
not as helpless as what i am with you. i am helpless because no one can change you but you.
not even me.
i looked into your
eyes
last week and you were just dead behind em.
god. i've never been so excited and then immediately broken hearted to see someone...
who i knew 4 weeks ago is not you now
there's 2 of you


and i accept that reality.
but i cry about it many nights.

my strong and funny and wonderful loving guy
is in there somewhere
but sometimes this cloud overtakes things,
and this bitch of a feeling becomes something you need to medicate

and i guess i knew that from the start
but really
there's nothing i could have done to prepare for this.

because all of that "life is about getting out and dancing in the rain" shit
is easy to swallow when it's watermarked over
a photo of a girl with nothing wrong, umbrella in her hand..
but life is actually about going along, just as you usually do,
and then having to dry your fucking clothes after you've gotten caught unprepared in a cold flash storm that really soaks you to the bones

eventually it happens

most epiphanies 

strike you 

three or four times before you realize there's actually quite a poignant reason why the same thought keeps landing in your

brain

heart

soul or

what have you.

seriously.

every time I "have an epiphany" 

i usually follow with the thought "well...you already knew that. you just weren't listening."

hellooooooo.....

you can't control what others do.

all you can do is be yourself, 100% of the time, unfailingly so. 

and if someone can't vibe with that...with you....

and they don't appreciate the 

genuine shit

you are presenting to the world...

guess what? 

it's okay.

there are 7 billion people on this rock and within each of them is 

the potential to connect.

to learn from them.

to love them.

to see through them and walk in their shoes.

to understand them.

to be hurt by them.

to heal from the pain.

to be changed by their presence.

to hear their laugh.

to feel their smile and wonder at the color of their eyes.

and that......well that's just beautiful.

so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."

i guess i'm just 23 going on 24

well i guess i'm still naÏve.

still a girl trying to just
figure
shit
out.
and i've given myself that permission;
i officially am OKAY WITH THAT.
no one is ever 100%.



isn't life strange? people change, feelings and emotions come and go, and sure, we can't always know what we want or how long we'll want it.
but among all that change and back-and-forth...communication and honesty and respect stick around. they fuel our ability to stay genuine in relationships.

in my opinion.
keep it real, yo.




all i need is a little honesty.
alright, a lot.

when i tell you how i feel, i am not a bitch, i am not crazy, and i'm not making shit up.
vulnerability is a tricky thing because while being present with it on your side, (if you've trained yourself to somehow live in that place) you don't exactly feel it 

but 

when things turn sour that taste of vulnerability betrayed is the worst thing to have in your mouth
...
like the time i accidentally ate up all the shit that you fed to me.


but
was it actually shit?
i don't think so, not at the time, to be honest.
i think you meant those things.

i think you chose your words with an alarming specificity and 

you read chapters and chapters
about my zodiac and "the nature of cusp virgos"

just so you could understand 

which body parts to touch

first.
and at first i was like..."whoa..."
and then i was like..."wow..."

and i felt genuine that night on your roof

do you remember?

i made up my mind i was headed home away from you and your magnetic eyes

and then count 10 minutes later and i was on your roof.  

and when you asked,

"where did you come from?" there was a real wonder in your voice. 

i will never unfeel 

the way you looked at me.

there was no way your eyes were lying
because i saw it in them. it. that thing. you can just feel it, you just know.



it's other people telling me that i got played
others telling me not to trust and to doubt
and to constantly question whether he was real
because it's impossible that i found someone
who was actually THIS good and THIS real and THIS unexpected.

he's not perfect and there were flaws but i'm not perfect either and isn't that what life is about? figuring it all out as you go along?



i don't wanna give in to others anymore
and let them define my reality





i choose, i decide.

driving through the desert

and all I can think is, "will i ever be able to leave this place for real?"

remodel

i guess all i needed was a little shift
a little bump in the right direction
a different direction

to see that maybe things were never the way i saw them.
our own eyes and what they've seen are trivial when you think of the land they have the potential to behold.


were you ever really there?

have you ever felt that? i'm asking you. have you ever felt that something so influential, so permanent, was maybe just a mirage that teased your brain for the last year? is it the changes that make it feel this way? or is it your realization that maybe you cared more all along; maybe you gave the mirage so much time and validity and effort that it started to become a dream, then slowly a reality? all this inception-type shit up in your own head...
add this to the list of things i'll never know.

opened eyes and now the potential of all things is opening up, however, perhaps.



when it rains it pours.
try to let go of one and streams of others flow in through your windows



but the problem is
the first one broke through the door and left the lock busted
so even after they leave
it keeps swinging
open
closed
half
open closed
midway
so you can't ever really keep your focus off that goddamn door.

but the windows are open.
and the fucking curtains are blowing in the breeze.

prologue

sometimes, it's like i'm two people.

part 1
i just wanna lounge around and
write all day
read great books and
learn how to play the guitar. more.
i want to wake up when i want,
usually early,
go on a hike,
or maybe a run,
and start my day off the way i see fit.
i want to have time to make beautiful meals.
see a movie by myself.
i want to just stay here, my home, and
enjoy
the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me
in all directions.
to explore it.
i want to love and wander with
my friends
my family of choice
and go to our favorite restaurant for dinner and beer.
i want to
find new lovers
and cuddle with them
maybe
but definitely
kiss them because
i like to kiss.
and we will talk about
the ways of the world..
because i won't really know the ways of the world.
but i will know the ways of mine.
and i want it to be so because
i choose it.



part 2
i want to pack up and go.
let me be free
money
can't beat me
i just wanna fly away from here,
bounding overseas to new places
new beautiful things are left unseen
but not anymore
not in part 2 me.
i want to eat and drink and adventure and live
like they do
who? you ask.
whoever. all of them.
broadway is out there
waiting for me to be there
and i want to be there.
i heard the eiffel tower is beautiful in may.
i want to learn about wine and pasta from the italians
(even though i hate wine)
because it just seems right.
i want to be in the midst of it all,
those gems few plan to see, and even fewer
stumble upon.
there's no plan other than
change.
i want to climb over unfamiliar mountains...
never putting down roots in them.
take a plane, train, automobile to
wherever i see fit.
and run there
walk there
love there
live there
become me there
and everywhere.
see
the ways of the world
and become them.

they're in the strange places

"as for the questions that you are asking yourself and others: don't concern yourself with death. immerse yourself in life. enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. my dear friend. don't ever stop asking questions. 

also, bear no malice for the ones who leave you. the only regret they feel now is the regret of not being able to tell you how they really feel. they wish that they could say goodbye to the ones they left behind. but sometimes that's not possible."
-bert v. royal

[plays answer my questions. sometimes the exact right answer and words fall into my hands right when i need them. i may have known this all along, somewhere underneath the insecurity, business, and wobbly legs of life. still, it's a serendipitous feeling to be reassured by the words of a work you just so happen to be a part of.]


"yeah, but..." is pernicious. because it makes it sounds like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should. it allows us to be cowards while sounding noble. most people i know who waited to travel the world never did. conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things -- eventually. be careful of the "yeah...but." 

so young person, travel. travel wide and far. travel boldly. travel with full abandon. you will regret few risks you take when it comes to this. i promise you that.
-jeff goins

[and then maybe sometimes i'm just trolling the facebook for a break from my lines in said play and i happen to read a little article that contains a couple of gems that i didn't know i needed to hear. some answers to questions i knew i had, but was afraid to ask. i need to do this for myself. i need to get out of this place in order to find where and who i am supposed to be. it's all about fear.]

we don't have a map.

i think these are the times that make us who we are
me who i am


the times when we're challenged and
things are changing
and maybe things are about to be tough.
just gotta bite my tongue and swallow my pride and work through
what i know is coming.

i just want to cry and sure, i have.
well, i am right now.
i feel sad and it's just not fair.

but the other, overpowering thing is this:
i'm just grateful.
i'm happy and excited for this bend in the road.
for you and for me.
for those lucky people who get to know your presence now
for those individuals who haven't yet known the joy of working with someone as
passionate
dedicated
funny
smart
talented
caring
driven
and COMpassionate
as you.

my best friend.


i felt you walk out those doors tonight but i'll tell you what,
you wouldn't be here at all if you'd never walked out the doors at your last gig.
so i'm grateful.


i'm excited to see how you will transform that environment.
and i know you will.
and maybe when you do, you'll be able to look around and see that
you have impact wherever you go.
people love you wherever you go.
i hope you see that.
i wish more than anything else for you to see that.


i am so grateful
for you and what you've taught me
about myself
about my work
about how we can change the lives of others with the smallest of actions


i am so grateful for this labyrinth of life.
you're right.
it's all got to be celebrated, the goods, the bads, the ups and the downs.


miss you.
see you tomorrow.
:)

because these conversations with myself totally happen

it's easy to doubt



but trust instead

even when it's tempting to disengage

trust that the world means to give you what you need
the universe is somehow conspiring for success
some force is working for you



you define your own happiness

you surround yourself with the sources,
    the wellsprings of joy

just try to listen
try to be
and
relinquish the illusion of control

i almost drowned in a wave pool at raging waters when i was young

it's so easy to forget those
near death experiences

we've all had 'em

bad car accident.                                  
almost hit by a bus.
spinning out on the freeway in snow.


and right after it happens we tend to go to this place,
this more-commonly-unfamiliar-than-familiar place
where we're more grateful than we used to be.
grateful to just be alive.
feeling gratitude for the cold air and embracing the snowflakes when we wake up the next morning.
we're breathing easier
because our lungs still work
and we constantly say/think cliche things like
"treat life like the precious gift it is, because any day it could be taken away from you"
and
"you only live once"
and
"dance like nobody's watching"
and
"carpe diem"
and
"ya know, it really put things in perspective."
and really,
it
just
seems
weird.


because tell me this, how long did it take to start bitching about the weather?
after the fact, i mean.
how long did it take to start finding everything going wrong in our lives?


a couple days? maybe?
it's like we can't help it.
what a waste of time.




some people, some creatures, will experience their last moments today.

yellow has always been my favorite color. since the first grade.

i am fascinated by the sun    light coming through the trees

lately and always i suppose

and when it changes to moonlight i am in equal wonderment

there's something so delicate and simple and beautiful about the way the light fights.
i mean really
it can't make it through some surfaces....it's a gift when it can.


trees and mountains are glorified by the golden light, masters of strength plunging into the sky from the ground, catching hints of heat and breaking the sun among their surface

 or turned to dark twisting towering things
depending on where you stand
whichever side, shade or sun


if the sun shines but nobody feels it, is it really happening?



it's all about perspective
it's all about where you stand.




when i see the sun and behold its power, i feel a part of something bigger.


i think i am the sun
i think i am golden and free and flighty and fighting
and, depending on where you stand, you may see my brilliant shades or you might see my own personal gray scale.


and at the end of the day, i know who my trees are and i know i have my own mountains.

because they are the ones willing to witness both sides
they are the few and far between
happy to see me for what i am at my hours in shadow and at my moments of pure illumination, along with the variety of whatever's between.

these are the souls in my life i cannot be without
they are the ones who do not shy away from storms when i am fighting to come back and dry up all the rain

they weather them with me until the sun rays return.
my rocks.



i think the sun would thank us all if it could


for if the sun shines but nobody feels it, is it really worth it?

the labyrinth 2013

i had the pleasure of walking a labyrinth today at grace cathedral in San Francisco. it was beautiful and very peaceful. my journal came to the center with me. meandered in, meditated, traced my way back out.

reassurance
love
calm
breathe
beautiful world

"people will kill you over time. and the way they'll kill you is with tiny harmless phrases like, 'be realistic.'"
dylan moran

"sometimes i can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives i'm not living."
jsf

an excerpt from a play about love. in progress. stephan.

Hey followers! I'm working on a play with one of my best friends, so this is really just meant for him to read. You're more than welcome to but just so you know there's some language and sexual content in it.  Feel free to read!


________________________________________________

him: "i just need you to know that i'm here for you. and that i always will be."

and before i know it she's up off the couch, taking her tears with her into the bedroom.

her: for fuck's sake, i just want you to LEAVE. ME. ALONE!

him: good hell....are we gonna do this bullshit again??

her: why? why are you still here?? I can handle myself and i don't need you coming to the rescue every ten minutes. Jesus!

i follow her to the bed, and she proceeds to cross, quite dramatically, to the kitchen table. there are lots of tears happening, she's pouring from the eyes and giving me all these unfiltered thoughts, and yet she still thinks I don't understand. she's convinced i'm new at this. we've been at this relationship for a while now, years, and it's as if she never remembers the last breakdown, the last time she was running around the house, avoiding her problems by evading me.

him: I'm not trying to rescue you! I'm trying to BE HERE for you in this moment. I'm just here! I'm going what you do when you LOVE someone! you stick around, you fight for whatever they need you to fight for. and i'm trying to do this, i'm trying to fight for you. i'm here because i LOVE YOU. god knows you don't make it easy sometimes but--

her: i don't make it EASY? it's not....easy...to love me?? wow.....wow. i just don't know what to say! you flatter me. i'm SO sorry that my life is such a burden for you. that the-- the way my brain works isn't EASY enough for you; it's too hard to follow, is that it?? what a shame... that must be really hard on you, poor baby.

him: you know that's not what I meant. i mean jesus, we're at this every single week lately! you are constantly pushing at me, constantly throwing my words back in my face and MOST of the time they're not even ones that came out of my mouth! so stop twisting my fucking words around! that's not right, okay? it's not fuckin' right and i can't STAND it. if i tell you it's not what i meant then it's, SURPRISE: NOT WHAT I MEANT!

her: Well, it's what you said, and it's exactly what you meant. what's the point of talking if you're not saying what you mean, huh? ya know...fuck. if this is too hard for you then just walk away. you are so fucking selfish, you know that? walk away right now. it's so EASY. i'm asking you to do it. i'm almost begging you! no, really, i'm telling you to WALK. AWAY.
 *next physical part is really quick*
him: *reaches for her

her: don't TOUCH me *slaps his hand away

him: will you stop?? *tries again to reach for her hand

her: i don't want you near me, god! you're driving me inSANE.

him: alright fine. this is ridiculous! if you could stop your hysterics for just one minute, just one, can you do that?? or is that impossible? just actually listen to me and you'll see that i don't WANT to walk away. it's not at all close to what i want and definitely not what i'd ever--

her: do? oooh i've heard this somewhere before! oh i know where, from every other asshole i've ever been with.

him: oh that's just GREAT! so i'm just "every other asshole" now?

her: apparently so.

him: now you're just making me angry. you KNOW i would never--

her: let me guess.....never in a million years...? never as long as i'm alive...? you'll never leave my side?  i've heard it all! you'll never....stop fighting for the person you know i CAN be? *as if she's realized a big secret* is that it?? how fucking romantic. i can't imagine what i would do without this hope you have for a better day, thank you so. much.

and then those eyes. right there. less than a foot from me. just drilling two laser beams right back into my eye sockets. i swear to god i could feel a burn. jesus, women are too good at those crippling stares. or at least, this one is.

why is she being so nasty? why do i put up with this? how?

and then suddenly, i'm in bed with her, but just in my mind. it's thursday morning. about 2 years ago. spring. calm skies, nothing spectacular about the day. i mean work was going on but i played hooky because she just looked too perfect to abandon in that early sunlight alone.

she's wearing my shirt. holy shit, that is my shirt on a gorgeous woman. 

i try to "stay present" or whatever the hell everyone always says to do.

but

under the sheets there's a current, and i know we both feel it. you know what that's like?

maybe its leftover energy, lingering from the so-good-it-has-to-be-fictitious sex we had the night before. 

but it doesn't feel like leftovers.

it's static electricity, and it's like a shock every time i make contact. my lips buzz, my eyes feel hyper-aware, soaking in every detail. 

i can't control the impulse to touch her; my fingertips run up her arm, and my pulse quickens because just that touch makes me want to fuck again.

and she throws me off when she says, "tickles." she shivers a little. i pause and she says, "no, keep going. when i was young i used to beg my mom to tickle me. my feet, my arms, my back. i was a weird kid."

her bashful smile makes an appearance and i am mesmerized.

and so i said, "then i guess i won't stop until you tell me to."

and she said, "i love the sound of that."

she leans into me, stares into me, molds into me it seems.

her lips land on mine and i swear to god my breath is gone.

she pulls away.

and those eyes are there, boring into me. still lasers, but softer this time.

and that's why i'm still around. 

she just can't be ignored.

the other day i was completing a mundane task
when suddenly i was distracted by my name
called out

and when i looked over at the source of the noise
my friend was there

i saw

and remembered my beautiful world,
where
nothing is mundane

nice to see you

flip flop/back forth/down town/square round/over again

that's just what it is lately.


[and let me just throw in the sidenote now: just because i'm struggling, that i do struggle in the present moment or that i have struggled once upon a time, doesn't mean i'm ungrateful or negative or angry. i'm just as grateful for the darkness as i am for the light. just as understanding of sorrow as i am of joy.]


as i sit at a stop light, alarmed at the sudden spot of neon red, my eyes flicker away. flash/side/turn.

there's this man. gray hair. business guy, i can tell by the plain suit. he's the type that makes you wonder if he really wanted to do this all along. or was it just what was expected? and you'll never know the answer. and we don't really need to know. yes, now we're a we because i've invited you into my room. i watch him struggle with the gas machine. he can't figure out where to put the card. he's pushing buttons. it's 10 degrees outside. more buttons. no jacket. frustration. rubbing his hand over his bald spot. the gas tank is already open for god's sakes!!!! where is the right button??
 and this man doesn't know i'm watching him. i'm suddenly this voyeur observing the little things that make this life feel more human and less intimidating.
the cold
the suit
the stare
the gas tank
this experience
and i find myself wondering
light turns green
what if we all just had these little moments all the time [because we do]
and what if we all just sat in the rafters and silently observed them?
took these things in behind panes of glass?

because as this man fills his gas tank i hear the noises that go along with it. beep beep beep scoff SNAP click CHUG chug chug chug chug chug i substitute the silence for sounds in my own brain. for a moment, i'm right there with this guy.
i feel ya, dude. i totally get it.

and we've never even met.
and i don't really care if i ever do. especially because the guy is just trying to fill his gas tank, it's not like he's in a corner singing a beautiful song and i'm dying to walk over there and harmonize.


but  anyway

i could do that all the time if i wanted. with actual events. you know what i mean?
i could be a constant spectator without ever jumping in to fight.

the gas man example is strange and unfiltered, i know, but
here's the thing i realize:
when i observe but do not connect, when i am aware but not participating, a little piece of myself is reaching. perpetually straining.
dying to make contact with that other little piece of someone else.
and when i don't listen to such an urge, when i walk away with that it unfulfilled, i feel immediate loss.

and i don't think i like that feeling.