i'm not perfect.


so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
anymore.
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.


sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
talk
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.


sometimes, right when i think
life
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.


sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know
you
discover
you

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.



sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
expectations.
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.


sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.


sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.


so,
like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
true.
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
because
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.


i wanna be better.

just gonna talk

i swear to god, being a REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC person is as hard as fuck to accomplish these days.

it's like everywhere i go i'm putting on some stupid
façade
to please whoever the hell is standing in front of me..

at work
in the theatre
on the street!
with my family
with my friends

and it's like i'm getting to the point where
i don't even know how to tell where the mask ends
and the real me begins.

[so cliché]

you hope that at least
you can always be the one person who will recognize
yourself
in the mirror.

so what happens when you can't?

i'll tell you what happens---nothing.
nobody gives a shit

and some people actually prefer it

because any kind of vulnerability
or difference or actual feelings about
actual things
makes them feel like they have to be real too
and real is really scary sometimes,
i'll admit.

but scary and real are where all the good stuff is born.




i'll tell you one thing,
i'm not going to write some fake "happy new year!" post
just because i'm supposed to be happy and it's the new year.
i AM happy that it's the new year but
jan 1 is just like any other day!
jesus, they're all the same! time is a man-made construction (i know i sound like an asshole when i say that);
we only know what year it is because someone decided to start counting how many times the sun came up.

it will come up every day.

anyway
i will write what i feel because
i CAN and i believe it's better to at least be genuine
here.

maybe this was too much too soon
maybe the move i'm trying to make is not the right one
but it might be?

i'm always just sitting here, expecting something to change when i make these bold moves; expecting that because i am taking control and going after what i want, i will finally understand
WHO I AM.



but that's just not a fucking thing.
not today.

life and death 6/15/2014

nobody likes to talk about death.
i know that now.
no one likes to talk about it because it's "uncomfortable" and "hard."
but death is one of the only consistencies in this life.
maybe we should all get used to talking about it...
when we need to.
when we need each other.


i find that i am incredibly cynical.
mostly.
should someone my age have such a bleak view of the world?
it comes in waves.

loss of a loved one,
rushes in the sadness
and reminds me that everything ends
but also reminds me that life is short.
rushes out the gratitude.

I don't know, there's no one who can really say i "should" or "shouldn't" be, say, think, or do anything.

"life is short" is my new mantra;.
i feel like everything i once knew is all jacked up and in little pieces and floating above me in a mess
like in willy wonka
a million little pieces above my head.

when Casey died, i pictured his body lying there,
lifeless. nothing in him.
it was all i could see for a time which felt like the longest time.
i have never believed in a true "spirit/body" connection and disconnection
or at least i felt like spirits floating around with no bodies were pointless...
because what could they do without a vehicle....?

but i couldn't get over this
creepy revelation
that his body was here on this earth..and HE was no where to be found.
CASEY was gone.
the body..here. the body...nothing without CASEY....whatever that means.

no idea.
I have no idea what to think of that.

the morning after he passed, the most beautiful sunrise i had ever seen came over the rockies
and that night,
the sunset was unrivaled by any that came before,



and i saw Casey there.
he was there, in the sky.........and i swear he was talking to me.

that morning i smiled for the last time that day.
that night i cried again...again, and not the last time for him.


the day after his funeral service
i saw a rainbow stretching all the way from A to B and
you could've missed it if you hadn't looked outside in just the right place in just the right moment of time.

but i saw it.
and i felt him there.
and i felt him all around me saying
"it won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. because i am still here."

it's just about time i finish writing about you

but there's just a few more things..


i still remember our last kiss.
or at least, the last one i remember
is stuck in my mind.

i wouldn't kiss you after i picked you up
off
the streets
later in the month
because it felt like
self-betrayal.

it was before that.
the last one, i mean.


we were laying on your bed and you were so tired
you just kept passing out
and i was so confused...
i just didn't know why,
it was your day off
so
shouldn't you be rested?
but you were so tired.
a lot, at that time.
and i was just as naïve as you were tired.
and i was coming off a bad day.
i mean,
it was a rough one.
but after some random episode of modern family
(and you barely laughed, it was so weird)
you shut the laptop and turned away and said
"night"
just like that.
no kiss, no nothing.
double negatives all over the place.

so i turned over and i was annoyed.
but i couldn't just say it. i was locked up and couldn't just say "WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? THIS IS MESSED UP AND I CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO ACT??"
because i wasn't confident around you anymore.
my doubt was creeping in.
i huffed and puffed and tried to sleep until i was in
the middle
of some sigh and you cut me off with a--"WHAT?"
sharp and sour.
not like you.
it's cliché but really, it felt like a slap in the face, that tone.
i never want to hear you do that again.

and i was so taken off guard,
my body got hot and i felt ashamed but fired up and i said
"nothing! god, i just had a bad day and you're acting weird
and why
am i even here?"

you said, "well---look---"
i felt you turning and i thought, 'we'll talk and cuddle and kiss and
this is normal.'
and you reached out
found my face with your left palm,
turned my head and tried...
well, you
kissed me
but missed me
so it was a halfway kiss and you said "i'm sorry. okay??"

and you turned back around.
as if it was okay.

3 minutes later you were in deep sleep.
i lay there,
looking in so i could try to see the color in my own eyes
and then i was
finding the shadows from the blinds curve from the ceiling to the wall,
and i just wanted to leave.
i just wanted to leave
i just needed to leave
and i stayed.

truthfully,
i still don't know why i stayed with you that night.

but it was the last time i saw you, really,
because it all became too much for you to cover up.
i saw you when you weren't in there anymore.
which is fucking scary.


so really...that was the last one.
and that was the most tragic kiss we ever had.

perfectionism is definitely a thing

the more years i experience, the more i understand that failure makes us who we are.

risks are a necessity because the beauty comes right after the risk.

i accept mistakes a little bit better with each day or each event. because there aren't really mistakes.

i have been examining some topics as they relate to me in a few departments, namely:

1 self worth

2 perfectionism

3 being enough 

4 gratitude

they are all tied together and here is what i have discovered:

1 i am wonderful. i am capable of anything. seriously. anything. i'm unstoppable!! and that is a powerful feeling. i am empowered, i am positive, i am passionate, and i am artistic.  i am WORTHY of all the good things, i am worthy of true love and acceptance and i will not search or beg for it. i will give it truthfully because i am worth it.  

2 we are all perfectionists in some areas. there are some things we just want to be perfect. for me, it's work. i am hardest on myself there because i expect myself to succeed. in fact, i expect success at whatever i set my mind to. 

i am slowly but surely accepting the challenge to not be perfect, or rather, to not pressure myself to be something i will never be. i usually don't wear makeup on my days off. i forget things, i slip up, and i say things i wish i had thought twice about. and i'm okay and i'm human not in spite of these things but because of them.

3 i am enough. not sometimes, not on the weekends, not at whole foods, not in my subaru or when traveling. i just AM. all the time. you all are too, any of you who happen to be reading. we are all enough and wonderful and offering so much to this little world. it's those vulnerable moments, the ones that make us shake and cry and want to hide...those are the ones that leave us cracked and full of doubt. but those are the most beautiful moments. they give us the ability to let the light back in, to see the joy and wonder of things. i come back to the word, i come back to "enough." that is a heavy yet enlightened word. 

4 gratitude is a practice. it's not just on thanksgiving. to actually remember and realize, to be mindful and vocal, or at least slightly aware, of the things we are grateful for is hard sometimes. it's a struggle. when i am flying on an airplane, do i think about how annoying the person next to me is and how i can't believe how rude she just was....or do i think about this miraculous machine that's taking me to california in less than 2 hours? i mean, i am flying! 

it's not about constantly being grateful and happy and positive, because that is not realistic; that's not life. life is feeling it all, and knowing it is all part of you. life is feeling and listening to your heart but then being grateful and honest enough to express what it has to say. gratitude is about sharing truth. with yourself, with others, with the world.

who do you love?

last night, did you go to bed wishing you'd said something yesterday?

and will you say it today, knowing that even if it hurts, it was worth it?

tell him to find me

hello, stranger.

i wish i had time to tell you a story.

it's one of those ones that you

hear

and immediately wish it happened to you.

a whirlwind type thing.

i think you'd like my story.

hi,

if you see my guy walking around 

(the one from the story) could you please

tell him i love him?

and that it's all just here,
inside?

the love, i mean.

just inside me,
slowly leaking out, though,

into other places that deserve it.
additional places.

because it's not all about him.

i love a lot of people and 

i do love myself.

hello again!

could you remind me?

did i ever tell you 

what it felt like

when i kissed him the first time?
it's so cheesy.

it felt like
i never knew what kissing really was.

did i tell you what he said after?

he didn't say anything. 

we kinda just stared and he 

tried to catch his breath.

stranger, hey. 

i know i told you about

the time

he held my hand

as i told him something about me

few have ever heard.

and he kissed my finger tips

and felt the details of my hand 

while i cried.

and then he said, 

"it's okay. you're okay.
i'm so happy you told me."

hello, stranger. 

could you would you
read my mind?

i'm having a hard time understanding it;

my heart keeps getting in the way.

do you speak the language?

hello there.

if you come across my guy...

could you please let him know that

for my own good,

for my sanity,

for my spirit,

because anything one-sided just sucks
and is truly unfair,

because this hurts too much to keep feeling...

and 

because i deserve to live my life...

could you please tell him that

i am letting him go?

that i have stopped 

hanging on to the empty hope 

that he will someday return?

which is not to say that i wouldn't

open my arms to him,
still.
which is not to say that i wouldn't

run to him so fast if

suddenly he was there, just out of the blue.

if i heard him call my name,

i would be paralyzed.

i mean, i would

say nothing 

because let's be real, just to see him again

would catalyze tears, not words.

i would be overjoyed,

stunned into silence,

but that's just

if i ever did see his face one more time.

i would run, i totally would.
but i can't wait right now.
i deserve better.
time just keeps passing.
and this is my time.
he will understand.

hello?

are you still there?

i get that you don't understand it 

and all that i have done

but

just trust me.

there is a better you, always.
fierce and brave.

just waiting,
right around the corner
for the reveal.

see you soon, stranger.

i am trying to write more.

it's this thing i'm trying to do.
i have a bad memory. and i'm...i'm a feeler.
so there's a lot to get out.

but every time i pick up my pen to finish my story about you
(because it's like i can't move on until i cover that)
(feels like i'm living 3 months ago and feeling everything fresh every day for at least a couple seconds, minutes)
(so i have to write it down, get through it)
there's 3 or so blank pages
just watching me.
every day.
waiting
anticipating
the story of you and us and
everything we've ever been,
which may have been nothing and it may have been everything i felt at the time.
no, it was something. it was a lot.


i just can't.

it's just too hard to write anything down.

once,
while writing,
when starting this story,
(which is my life and not a fairy tale which also
complicates things),
i opened up my phone to scroll through and find out what date something was.
i wanted to remember that date, that memory.
and i only knew from our texts.
so then i'm trying to find it and of course
i'm eventually reading all our texts. and i'm just laughing and crying at the same time
because now
going back through it all
i can see it all so clearly.
it's so obvious, when you started to slip away
but back then
i was laughing more than i ever had
and feeling more perfectly fine than i had in years
because you unknowingly helped me see the simple joy in so much
and helped me believe in my own beauty again.


i can't write
because i feel so much love for you
still.
god damn.
so much love is in there
that it actually hurts from the inside,
and it's trapped with no where to go..
restricted by that elastic cord that's keeping my journal shut.


all i want to be able to do is
look back
at these
memories
a few years down the road
when i am older, wiser, and over it,
and smile
at the recollection of your laugh and your smell and that moment in the dark,
and the way our first kiss felt.

i can't write it and close the book
because it's not over.

it can't be over.

perhaps some cliches in here but mostly truth

something i am understanding a little more each day:
you create yourself a little more each day.

work hard.
play hard.
love hard.
but don't be hard.
be soft,
even when you get hurt so badly or you feel so angry that you could just turn to stone.
dream big and then go for it,
even when people or your own
insecurities
try to tear it all down.
jump.
don't fear the fall,
embrace it.

you're in control of your own happiness.
you create this life.
this journey is all yours,
but it's all about connections with others.

soak it all in, baby.

dear will,

i can't remember the last time i heard your voice.
and when i say that
i mean
YOUR voice
not your voice affected
                        infected.

i call you every single day.
i have never stopped calling.
it got hard when the voice said
"you have reached the voicemail inbox of.."
dead
and harder still when it turned to
"the number you are calling is not reachable."
gone


but i still try every day because
i imagine the day you pick up.
it will be the best day.


i hope you don't just call
i hope i can see your eyes again.

please, god or whatever is out there,
let me see his eyes again.

and i'm holding on to this hope that you will come back...
despite my better judgement
or the present moment
that says
"he blew in and out like the wind...
now let him go
like the wind lets go
of all it touches."

whiteknuckles
nothingbuthope
nochoice
andthatsjustme

everywhere i look,
i see you.
you know where to find me.

love,
ali

PS-no no...yeah...yeah no...i know.

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.

warning...just real dark shit i guess.

sometimes i have experiences in life that just lock me away.
it's weird.
i guess i am not locked away. i guess they render me unable to react
or to express, rather, in a constructive way,
(because lawd knows i am expressing some shit on the reg)
what i am truly feeling about them.
my journal stays empty, i don't pick up the guitar, the blog doesn't change and really i put on this mask that everything is okay and then eat some chocolate or something to make myself feel like i'm
"dealing with shit."
sounds depressing...i know. and it is sad.

it's kind of a helpless feeling.
not as helpless as what i am with you. i am helpless because no one can change you but you.
not even me.
i looked into your
eyes
last week and you were just dead behind em.
god. i've never been so excited and then immediately broken hearted to see someone...
who i knew 4 weeks ago is not you now
there's 2 of you


and i accept that reality.
but i cry about it many nights.

my strong and funny and wonderful loving guy
is in there somewhere
but sometimes this cloud overtakes things,
and this bitch of a feeling becomes something you need to medicate

and i guess i knew that from the start
but really
there's nothing i could have done to prepare for this.

because all of that "life is about getting out and dancing in the rain" shit
is easy to swallow when it's watermarked over
a photo of a girl with nothing wrong, umbrella in her hand..
but life is actually about going along, just as you usually do,
and then having to dry your fucking clothes after you've gotten caught unprepared in a cold flash storm that really soaks you to the bones

eventually it happens

most epiphanies 

strike you 

three or four times before you realize there's actually quite a poignant reason why the same thought keeps landing in your

brain

heart

soul or

what have you.

seriously.

every time I "have an epiphany" 

i usually follow with the thought "well...you already knew that. you just weren't listening."

hellooooooo.....

you can't control what others do.

all you can do is be yourself, 100% of the time, unfailingly so. 

and if someone can't vibe with that...with you....

and they don't appreciate the 

genuine shit

you are presenting to the world...

guess what? 

it's okay.

there are 7 billion people on this rock and within each of them is 

the potential to connect.

to learn from them.

to love them.

to see through them and walk in their shoes.

to understand them.

to be hurt by them.

to heal from the pain.

to be changed by their presence.

to hear their laugh.

to feel their smile and wonder at the color of their eyes.

and that......well that's just beautiful.

so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."

i guess i'm just 23 going on 24

well i guess i'm still naÏve.

still a girl trying to just
figure
shit
out.
and i've given myself that permission;
i officially am OKAY WITH THAT.
no one is ever 100%.



isn't life strange? people change, feelings and emotions come and go, and sure, we can't always know what we want or how long we'll want it.
but among all that change and back-and-forth...communication and honesty and respect stick around. they fuel our ability to stay genuine in relationships.

in my opinion.
keep it real, yo.




all i need is a little honesty.
alright, a lot.

when i tell you how i feel, i am not a bitch, i am not crazy, and i'm not making shit up.
vulnerability is a tricky thing because while being present with it on your side, (if you've trained yourself to somehow live in that place) you don't exactly feel it 

but 

when things turn sour that taste of vulnerability betrayed is the worst thing to have in your mouth
...
like the time i accidentally ate up all the shit that you fed to me.


but
was it actually shit?
i don't think so, not at the time, to be honest.
i think you meant those things.

i think you chose your words with an alarming specificity and 

you read chapters and chapters
about my zodiac and "the nature of cusp virgos"

just so you could understand 

which body parts to touch

first.
and at first i was like..."whoa..."
and then i was like..."wow..."

and i felt genuine that night on your roof

do you remember?

i made up my mind i was headed home away from you and your magnetic eyes

and then count 10 minutes later and i was on your roof.  

and when you asked,

"where did you come from?" there was a real wonder in your voice. 

i will never unfeel 

the way you looked at me.

there was no way your eyes were lying
because i saw it in them. it. that thing. you can just feel it, you just know.



it's other people telling me that i got played
others telling me not to trust and to doubt
and to constantly question whether he was real
because it's impossible that i found someone
who was actually THIS good and THIS real and THIS unexpected.

he's not perfect and there were flaws but i'm not perfect either and isn't that what life is about? figuring it all out as you go along?



i don't wanna give in to others anymore
and let them define my reality





i choose, i decide.

driving through the desert

and all I can think is, "will i ever be able to leave this place for real?"

remodel

i guess all i needed was a little shift
a little bump in the right direction
a different direction

to see that maybe things were never the way i saw them.
our own eyes and what they've seen are trivial when you think of the land they have the potential to behold.


were you ever really there?

have you ever felt that? i'm asking you. have you ever felt that something so influential, so permanent, was maybe just a mirage that teased your brain for the last year? is it the changes that make it feel this way? or is it your realization that maybe you cared more all along; maybe you gave the mirage so much time and validity and effort that it started to become a dream, then slowly a reality? all this inception-type shit up in your own head...
add this to the list of things i'll never know.

opened eyes and now the potential of all things is opening up, however, perhaps.



when it rains it pours.
try to let go of one and streams of others flow in through your windows



but the problem is
the first one broke through the door and left the lock busted
so even after they leave
it keeps swinging
open
closed
half
open closed
midway
so you can't ever really keep your focus off that goddamn door.

but the windows are open.
and the fucking curtains are blowing in the breeze.

prologue

sometimes, it's like i'm two people.

part 1
i just wanna lounge around and
write all day
read great books and
learn how to play the guitar. more.
i want to wake up when i want,
usually early,
go on a hike,
or maybe a run,
and start my day off the way i see fit.
i want to have time to make beautiful meals.
see a movie by myself.
i want to just stay here, my home, and
enjoy
the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me
in all directions.
to explore it.
i want to love and wander with
my friends
my family of choice
and go to our favorite restaurant for dinner and beer.
i want to
find new lovers
and cuddle with them
maybe
but definitely
kiss them because
i like to kiss.
and we will talk about
the ways of the world..
because i won't really know the ways of the world.
but i will know the ways of mine.
and i want it to be so because
i choose it.



part 2
i want to pack up and go.
let me be free
money
can't beat me
i just wanna fly away from here,
bounding overseas to new places
new beautiful things are left unseen
but not anymore
not in part 2 me.
i want to eat and drink and adventure and live
like they do
who? you ask.
whoever. all of them.
broadway is out there
waiting for me to be there
and i want to be there.
i heard the eiffel tower is beautiful in may.
i want to learn about wine and pasta from the italians
(even though i hate wine)
because it just seems right.
i want to be in the midst of it all,
those gems few plan to see, and even fewer
stumble upon.
there's no plan other than
change.
i want to climb over unfamiliar mountains...
never putting down roots in them.
take a plane, train, automobile to
wherever i see fit.
and run there
walk there
love there
live there
become me there
and everywhere.
see
the ways of the world
and become them.

they're in the strange places

"as for the questions that you are asking yourself and others: don't concern yourself with death. immerse yourself in life. enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. my dear friend. don't ever stop asking questions. 

also, bear no malice for the ones who leave you. the only regret they feel now is the regret of not being able to tell you how they really feel. they wish that they could say goodbye to the ones they left behind. but sometimes that's not possible."
-bert v. royal

[plays answer my questions. sometimes the exact right answer and words fall into my hands right when i need them. i may have known this all along, somewhere underneath the insecurity, business, and wobbly legs of life. still, it's a serendipitous feeling to be reassured by the words of a work you just so happen to be a part of.]


"yeah, but..." is pernicious. because it makes it sounds like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should. it allows us to be cowards while sounding noble. most people i know who waited to travel the world never did. conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things -- eventually. be careful of the "yeah...but." 

so young person, travel. travel wide and far. travel boldly. travel with full abandon. you will regret few risks you take when it comes to this. i promise you that.
-jeff goins

[and then maybe sometimes i'm just trolling the facebook for a break from my lines in said play and i happen to read a little article that contains a couple of gems that i didn't know i needed to hear. some answers to questions i knew i had, but was afraid to ask. i need to do this for myself. i need to get out of this place in order to find where and who i am supposed to be. it's all about fear.]

we don't have a map.

i think these are the times that make us who we are
me who i am


the times when we're challenged and
things are changing
and maybe things are about to be tough.
just gotta bite my tongue and swallow my pride and work through
what i know is coming.

i just want to cry and sure, i have.
well, i am right now.
i feel sad and it's just not fair.

but the other, overpowering thing is this:
i'm just grateful.
i'm happy and excited for this bend in the road.
for you and for me.
for those lucky people who get to know your presence now
for those individuals who haven't yet known the joy of working with someone as
passionate
dedicated
funny
smart
talented
caring
driven
and COMpassionate
as you.

my best friend.


i felt you walk out those doors tonight but i'll tell you what,
you wouldn't be here at all if you'd never walked out the doors at your last gig.
so i'm grateful.


i'm excited to see how you will transform that environment.
and i know you will.
and maybe when you do, you'll be able to look around and see that
you have impact wherever you go.
people love you wherever you go.
i hope you see that.
i wish more than anything else for you to see that.


i am so grateful
for you and what you've taught me
about myself
about my work
about how we can change the lives of others with the smallest of actions


i am so grateful for this labyrinth of life.
you're right.
it's all got to be celebrated, the goods, the bads, the ups and the downs.


miss you.
see you tomorrow.
:)

because these conversations with myself totally happen

it's easy to doubt



but trust instead

even when it's tempting to disengage

trust that the world means to give you what you need
the universe is somehow conspiring for success
some force is working for you



you define your own happiness

you surround yourself with the sources,
    the wellsprings of joy

just try to listen
try to be
and
relinquish the illusion of control