some nights

are just too good to be forgotten.

and they're just so so so good when they're happening that it just kinda...displaces you momentarily. makes you forget where you are or what you're doing tomorrow or how you got there or where you're from or really 

who these people are

because 

are YOU the lucky one 

who gets to have these experiences with these smiling, golden, genuine individuals??

yes. yes i am. YES!

and maybe you think to yourself, as you're running up the ramp in the parking garage and climbing over cement barriers and singing too loudly

...and listening to the percussive echoes of your feet and snapping fingers bounce off the walls and into the free night air...

"this is the way things should be. i should feel like this all the time."

we're always searching for happiness,

but it finds us at times like that.

what else is life for?

it's those moments.

i'm sure of it.

rando rambling half marathon blog

breakaway
from the pack

and just run

knowing that your lungs are strong
and,
even more importantly,
your mind is stronger.


100% mental effort brings amazing things.


i thought to myself,
"this is where you need to be."
"this is what you need."
"it's about time you figure your shit out."



find your groove, find your rhythm.
one foot in front of the other, simple as that.
the road is unforgiving, as people sometimes are.
but these trees and this air is all that matters right now.






we can't always get it right the first time.

and we don't always have the answers in a timely manner.

but i think we know what to fight for, in our heart of hearts, deep down.
and we just gotta listen.

fear and worthiness go hand in hand, in that one prevents you from reaching the other.

i won't apologize for being myself, and i won't change myself to be who you need/think/expect me to be.

we're all a little weak sometimes, and we just want someone to understand.

no excuses.

it's time to be honest.




^^ just some revelations and reinforcements of the road. ^^







pushed myself to my limits, truly, in a way i never had.



"today, YOU are my hero."
"pain is temporary, pride is forever."
random strangers. words of encouragement that pushed me in my last 2.




ACCOMPLISHMENT.
i can't wait for my next half. marathon maybe maybe maybe in the future.
so proud.
so proud.
i can do anything.
so proud of myself.

confession? discovery?

i have this fear that people will leave.
i'm discovering this, anyway.


i am occasionally afraid if i do or say certain things people will not love me as much. and leave or slowly fade.
not simple things. just if an argument happens or certain situations cause damage.
i feel afraid that if it's too much, they'll walk away.
i feel afraid that no one will fight to stay in it. with me.
i don't think i edit what i say or do based on this, but i think the fear lives in me.
it rears its ugly head when i feel threatened.

how silly, what a silly thing to even think about.

this is big for me, the fact that i'm revealing this in any way, especially on a public forum. it's hard to admit to your fears and insecurities.
this is a big one.
not that it takes over my life or anything, but it's big because it's unsettling.




what's weird is that my whole life so far, (or maybe in the last few years i've come to truly understand and accept this) i've just thought, "the ones who are meant to be in my life will be. they're here for a reason. those who have gone have changed me or taught me something, and they have done their time."
and i still believe that's the truth.


maybe i'm just in such a transition of my life right now...things don't make sense because nothing is permanent.

is it true? will the true friends and true relationships and connections just stay or at least come back, despite arguments and misunderstandings and time passing and distance growing?




i love these people and i want them to be here.
but i know i can't control it.
so...i'm just going to trust in the love.

so i walked out of an audition last night and i just felt like sharing this with the world and myself, because i was HIGH on my craft and i think it's because i'm in touch with my heart right now.

this isn't about happiness. this is about life.

in this life, nothing feels better than following your heart. truly listening to what the heart wants and acting on it will result in a form of contentment. i'm convinced.
i've tested this. i mean sure, i'm pretty young and i gotta lot to learn but i have felt unadulterated joy in this life. and at the root of it all, at the root of our desires and fulfillment.....is the muscle that keeps our blood pumping.

it just knows.
it just knows what you want and where you want to go. who you want to be.
obviously it is connected to the brain, to the body, but in the heart is where the magic happens.

i think the heart is often stifled by the same soul it speaks to.
roadblocks.
expectations get in the way, or shame, or guilt, or some other emotion or inner conflict we suffer from all too often, considering how fragile and precious our time is on this rock.
what's the point of all those things?
we feel our heart do something new and we recognize it, that shift, and occasionally we say, "no, stop that. you shouldn't feel like that. no. no. what are you trying to do, destroy me?"


because, well, it could.
because not everything works out.
because letting yourself go to that place of "I AM HERE, OPEN, AND WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES" is scary.
no, it's terrifying.



BUT. what if instead, we opened up more when we felt that ground shaking under our feet, knocking us off balance?
what if we recognized that our hearts are trying to expand, open, and become vulnerable in order to give us unexpected joy?


for me, an audition goes something like this:
fear. paranoia. panic. confidence. expression. RISK. freedom. completion. pride. contentment.
of course each one is different, but i go through this myriad of emotions and at the end of the day, my heart longs to be on the stage and my pursuit of this art form ALWAYS delivers results that prove to me this theory.




stop putting your heart under so much pressure!!
it's just trying to help!
it's only trying to LIVE the life you so deserve to live; one that is open and free and full of love...it only wants to be the heart it was meant to be...it wants to be authentic.
and it is you.



sometimes it's gotta hurt, so just let it hurt.
let yourself feel pain because at the end of the day, if it has come about because you took a chance following the path you knew your heart wanted you to take, you should feel proud and satisfied that you are present in your own life.

if, however, pain occurs because you are denying yourself of something you want, take the risk. dive in and do everything in your power to have it. otherwise, you will be saying, "i wonder what could have happened..." at some point. and maybe it won't be worth the wonder.
[this feat is indeed the more challenging one. emotionally strenuous. makes the heart hurt just to think about it.]



do not hide.
do not be afraid.
take accountability for your own life.
we reap that which we sow.

lovely words on an all-too-complicated emotion/noun

      Everything is at once so simple and so complicated! It's simple because all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the adventure of being alive.
      And it's complicated: Why am I not looking for a happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
      After all, what is happiness?
      Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the times if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
      All right then, peace. Peace? If we look at the Mother, she's never at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon never meet, the tiger chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
      Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.
      I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex-- it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contented, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.
      When I'm with a group of people and I want to provoke them by asking that most important of all questions-- Are you happy? --they all reply: "Yes, I am."
      Then I ask: "But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?" And they all reply: "Of course."
       Then I say: "So you're not happy." And they change the subject.

i didn't write this, though i wish i did. Mr. Paolo Cohelo is a genius in my book.

when i read this, it immediately reminded me of my good friend who once said, "i don't know if i can pinpoint many times in my life when i was really, truly happy."
at the time, his statement made me sad. because who wouldn't want their friends and loved ones to be happy...always?

but here's the truth: we can't be happy all the time. even if i could, i wouldn't want to be. what is life if not a roller coaster of all the good and the bad? the sad times contrasted with happiness is what makes life worth living. we literally wouldn't have anything associated with the word "happy" if we did not also have the opposing word, "sad," to compare it to.

it....HAPPINESS... is this big, idyllic word, and the definition is different for everyone, and it is an element constant and fleeting at the same time.

finding what makes our hearts beat faster; pursuing our ultimate desire, whether that be a career or a state of mind...i believe that will bring happiness. living true to yourself and being honest with others while you experience the life you create....that is happiness.
it is not a goal, it is a biproduct, forged when we love who we are and what we do.

discovery.
the beauty of the little things in life, because little things are all life really is.


happiness.
it can be anything. it can be everything, if you let it be.

and then she turned around but she wasn't who they thought she was. she had changed.

she had transformed, as we all do on a constant basis.


Change
is this apparently loaded word that people fear and a terrifying idea that many run from.


the thing about change, though, is that it is a completely free idea, without association...until we give it one.
change is YOU. ME. WE.
we are all it. it is happening all around us, all the time, even from the most basic existence of our planet! and by that i mean our earth is constantly changing positions in the sky, in the universe. if it didn't do this, if our earth was stagnant and it lost its orbit and we ceased to see the sun come over those beautiful mountains in the way it does in the early AM and sink behind them in the PM to finish the cycle, we would absolutely and permanently cease to exist.


the seasons would end
the temperatures would blaze on one half of the earth while the other half would freeze, locked forever in a fatal position far away from our planet's generous star.
plants would die
and this would begin to eliminate agriculture while simultaneously breaking down the miraculous cycle of photosynthesis, decreasing the oxygen levels in our atmosphere until breathing is something of a chore until it is impossible.
animals would have nothing to feed on
because the food chain would just continue to disintegrate, taking one species at a time, probably ending with the carnivores who happen to have opposable thumbs.
and water
i don't even want to think of what that would do to our water.
lakes frozen, evaporated, weather patterns thrown completely off, oceans with tidal waves to wipe out entire cities, natural disasters abound.
50% of the earth's inhabitants would be trapped in perpetual darkness
while the other half would exhaust the world's supply of sunscreen in no time as they begin to dig shelters underground to shield themselves from harsh, red rays.
i wonder if gravity would still exist if we weren't turning.
i wonder.




but i digress. because really. i mean...
look the point of all those words up there is that this is how it is. this is our existence, it is one that has already decided that we shall evolve. we are constantly changing just by being earthlings, and this billion year old rock has got it ingrained in us.


so why do we resist it?
and could we benefit from eliminating that resistance?

i'm not saying i don't resist; i am definitely included in the we.
it is hard. it is REALLY hard sometimes, to just throw up your hands and say, "welp, this is how it is and i'm going to smile about the fact that i didn't get that role i worked really damn hard to get." "welllll i guess there's nothing else to do but be grateful for the way this person rarely speaks to me anymore, because that's just the way life is right now." "i think i'll stay positive about the fact that my purse was just stolen for the second time in two months, because i'm going to learn something from it. again."



[we do it all the time as kids. we're changing so much as we grow up and become "adults" or something, and we don't even acknowledge it. because it's just happening, and at that point we haven't really learned to be conscious of our lives changing. it just is and we unknowingly accept that, riding the wave as it flows.]

the third example quote i used above was straight out of my life last year. i compared the two incidents a lot, because my reaction each time was completely different from the other. the first time, i cried and cried over a stolen journal and the nostalgic bag and what a DICK that thief was. i was miserable for a little while. the next time it happened, i calmly called the credit card companies and breathed some, accepting that it had happened and that there was nothing i could do about it.
and ya know what? it felt so good! in fact, it let me look at the humor of the situation, my bag being stolen out of the same parking lot and through the same window...twice.


so we do have control! we have a lot more than we think when it comes to change! we don't need to feel like life sold us a bike with no handlebars, because those handlebars are within ourselves.


we can control the way we react to change and what we do with it. in fact, that's the only thing in life we can control. we decide. and i think that's a beautiful thing.

i'm not saying we shouldn't mourn change, loss, or anything related to it in order to be smiley and  100% positive all the time. that's pretty stupid and nearly impossible.

i think we deserve, and owe it to ourselves in fact, to mourn loss and change if we need to. we're allowed to just feel the sadness and the quick jolt or shock or displacement that comes when something in our lives changes.
but let us recognize that it is temporary. that jolt will only be as long as we make it.
we can take time to get accustomed to the change and what it has brought.
and we can accept it in our own time.
but the longer we mourn how this change has darkened our lives, the longer we miss the beautiful things that have come of it.

after all, change is not going to stop. as long as we breathe, we're doing it.
it's what makes LIFE what it is, it's what makes us FULL and WHOLE.
change is what separates us from....no one. nothing. it connects us.
it gives us meaning.
it gives us opportunity.
it gives us interaction.
it gives us possibility.
it gives us experiences.
it brings us love.

it gives me energy.
it gives me light.
it gives me hope.

August 2011

The Labyrinth

Take time to separate from the world and listen to yourself, your inner voice. Let yourself flow and you will discover that you have known the truth all along. A labyrinth is not a maze. A labyrinth has only one path. There is no wrong turn. Follow a journey to your own center. Stay. Breathe. Balance. Let your thoughts flow in and out. Discover that which is within. Going in, to the deepest point possible, and perhaps beyond, is the only way out of a labyrinth. Complete the journey. Continue it constantly, and do not take it for granted. Live within yourself.





I wrote the above words after winding my way through a stone labyrinth at Menucha in Oregon.
It was a beautiful moment.
I refer to these words often.
They remind me to slow down.
They make me feel that nothing is worrisome, because everything is already within me, and that's a truly beautiful thing!
They simply flowed out of me, just like our emotions do if we allow them to.