they're in the strange places

"as for the questions that you are asking yourself and others: don't concern yourself with death. immerse yourself in life. enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. my dear friend. don't ever stop asking questions. 

also, bear no malice for the ones who leave you. the only regret they feel now is the regret of not being able to tell you how they really feel. they wish that they could say goodbye to the ones they left behind. but sometimes that's not possible."
-bert v. royal

[plays answer my questions. sometimes the exact right answer and words fall into my hands right when i need them. i may have known this all along, somewhere underneath the insecurity, business, and wobbly legs of life. still, it's a serendipitous feeling to be reassured by the words of a work you just so happen to be a part of.]


"yeah, but..." is pernicious. because it makes it sounds like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should. it allows us to be cowards while sounding noble. most people i know who waited to travel the world never did. conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things -- eventually. be careful of the "yeah...but." 

so young person, travel. travel wide and far. travel boldly. travel with full abandon. you will regret few risks you take when it comes to this. i promise you that.
-jeff goins

[and then maybe sometimes i'm just trolling the facebook for a break from my lines in said play and i happen to read a little article that contains a couple of gems that i didn't know i needed to hear. some answers to questions i knew i had, but was afraid to ask. i need to do this for myself. i need to get out of this place in order to find where and who i am supposed to be. it's all about fear.]

we don't have a map.

i think these are the times that make us who we are
me who i am


the times when we're challenged and
things are changing
and maybe things are about to be tough.
just gotta bite my tongue and swallow my pride and work through
what i know is coming.

i just want to cry and sure, i have.
well, i am right now.
i feel sad and it's just not fair.

but the other, overpowering thing is this:
i'm just grateful.
i'm happy and excited for this bend in the road.
for you and for me.
for those lucky people who get to know your presence now
for those individuals who haven't yet known the joy of working with someone as
passionate
dedicated
funny
smart
talented
caring
driven
and COMpassionate
as you.

my best friend.


i felt you walk out those doors tonight but i'll tell you what,
you wouldn't be here at all if you'd never walked out the doors at your last gig.
so i'm grateful.


i'm excited to see how you will transform that environment.
and i know you will.
and maybe when you do, you'll be able to look around and see that
you have impact wherever you go.
people love you wherever you go.
i hope you see that.
i wish more than anything else for you to see that.


i am so grateful
for you and what you've taught me
about myself
about my work
about how we can change the lives of others with the smallest of actions


i am so grateful for this labyrinth of life.
you're right.
it's all got to be celebrated, the goods, the bads, the ups and the downs.


miss you.
see you tomorrow.
:)

because these conversations with myself totally happen

it's easy to doubt



but trust instead

even when it's tempting to disengage

trust that the world means to give you what you need
the universe is somehow conspiring for success
some force is working for you



you define your own happiness

you surround yourself with the sources,
    the wellsprings of joy

just try to listen
try to be
and
relinquish the illusion of control

i almost drowned in a wave pool at raging waters when i was young

it's so easy to forget those
near death experiences

we've all had 'em

bad car accident.                                  
almost hit by a bus.
spinning out on the freeway in snow.


and right after it happens we tend to go to this place,
this more-commonly-unfamiliar-than-familiar place
where we're more grateful than we used to be.
grateful to just be alive.
feeling gratitude for the cold air and embracing the snowflakes when we wake up the next morning.
we're breathing easier
because our lungs still work
and we constantly say/think cliche things like
"treat life like the precious gift it is, because any day it could be taken away from you"
and
"you only live once"
and
"dance like nobody's watching"
and
"carpe diem"
and
"ya know, it really put things in perspective."
and really,
it
just
seems
weird.


because tell me this, how long did it take to start bitching about the weather?
after the fact, i mean.
how long did it take to start finding everything going wrong in our lives?


a couple days? maybe?
it's like we can't help it.
what a waste of time.




some people, some creatures, will experience their last moments today.

yellow has always been my favorite color. since the first grade.

i am fascinated by the sun    light coming through the trees

lately and always i suppose

and when it changes to moonlight i am in equal wonderment

there's something so delicate and simple and beautiful about the way the light fights.
i mean really
it can't make it through some surfaces....it's a gift when it can.


trees and mountains are glorified by the golden light, masters of strength plunging into the sky from the ground, catching hints of heat and breaking the sun among their surface

 or turned to dark twisting towering things
depending on where you stand
whichever side, shade or sun


if the sun shines but nobody feels it, is it really happening?



it's all about perspective
it's all about where you stand.




when i see the sun and behold its power, i feel a part of something bigger.


i think i am the sun
i think i am golden and free and flighty and fighting
and, depending on where you stand, you may see my brilliant shades or you might see my own personal gray scale.


and at the end of the day, i know who my trees are and i know i have my own mountains.

because they are the ones willing to witness both sides
they are the few and far between
happy to see me for what i am at my hours in shadow and at my moments of pure illumination, along with the variety of whatever's between.

these are the souls in my life i cannot be without
they are the ones who do not shy away from storms when i am fighting to come back and dry up all the rain

they weather them with me until the sun rays return.
my rocks.



i think the sun would thank us all if it could


for if the sun shines but nobody feels it, is it really worth it?

the labyrinth 2013

i had the pleasure of walking a labyrinth today at grace cathedral in San Francisco. it was beautiful and very peaceful. my journal came to the center with me. meandered in, meditated, traced my way back out.

reassurance
love
calm
breathe
beautiful world

"people will kill you over time. and the way they'll kill you is with tiny harmless phrases like, 'be realistic.'"
dylan moran