eventually it happens

most epiphanies 

strike you 

three or four times before you realize there's actually quite a poignant reason why the same thought keeps landing in your

brain

heart

soul or

what have you.

seriously.

every time I "have an epiphany" 

i usually follow with the thought "well...you already knew that. you just weren't listening."

hellooooooo.....

you can't control what others do.

all you can do is be yourself, 100% of the time, unfailingly so. 

and if someone can't vibe with that...with you....

and they don't appreciate the 

genuine shit

you are presenting to the world...

guess what? 

it's okay.

there are 7 billion people on this rock and within each of them is 

the potential to connect.

to learn from them.

to love them.

to see through them and walk in their shoes.

to understand them.

to be hurt by them.

to heal from the pain.

to be changed by their presence.

to hear their laugh.

to feel their smile and wonder at the color of their eyes.

and that......well that's just beautiful.

so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."

i guess i'm just 23 going on 24

well i guess i'm still naÏve.

still a girl trying to just
figure
shit
out.
and i've given myself that permission;
i officially am OKAY WITH THAT.
no one is ever 100%.



isn't life strange? people change, feelings and emotions come and go, and sure, we can't always know what we want or how long we'll want it.
but among all that change and back-and-forth...communication and honesty and respect stick around. they fuel our ability to stay genuine in relationships.

in my opinion.
keep it real, yo.




all i need is a little honesty.
alright, a lot.

when i tell you how i feel, i am not a bitch, i am not crazy, and i'm not making shit up.
vulnerability is a tricky thing because while being present with it on your side, (if you've trained yourself to somehow live in that place) you don't exactly feel it 

but 

when things turn sour that taste of vulnerability betrayed is the worst thing to have in your mouth
...
like the time i accidentally ate up all the shit that you fed to me.


but
was it actually shit?
i don't think so, not at the time, to be honest.
i think you meant those things.

i think you chose your words with an alarming specificity and 

you read chapters and chapters
about my zodiac and "the nature of cusp virgos"

just so you could understand 

which body parts to touch

first.
and at first i was like..."whoa..."
and then i was like..."wow..."

and i felt genuine that night on your roof

do you remember?

i made up my mind i was headed home away from you and your magnetic eyes

and then count 10 minutes later and i was on your roof.  

and when you asked,

"where did you come from?" there was a real wonder in your voice. 

i will never unfeel 

the way you looked at me.

there was no way your eyes were lying
because i saw it in them. it. that thing. you can just feel it, you just know.



it's other people telling me that i got played
others telling me not to trust and to doubt
and to constantly question whether he was real
because it's impossible that i found someone
who was actually THIS good and THIS real and THIS unexpected.

he's not perfect and there were flaws but i'm not perfect either and isn't that what life is about? figuring it all out as you go along?



i don't wanna give in to others anymore
and let them define my reality





i choose, i decide.

driving through the desert

and all I can think is, "will i ever be able to leave this place for real?"

remodel

i guess all i needed was a little shift
a little bump in the right direction
a different direction

to see that maybe things were never the way i saw them.
our own eyes and what they've seen are trivial when you think of the land they have the potential to behold.


were you ever really there?

have you ever felt that? i'm asking you. have you ever felt that something so influential, so permanent, was maybe just a mirage that teased your brain for the last year? is it the changes that make it feel this way? or is it your realization that maybe you cared more all along; maybe you gave the mirage so much time and validity and effort that it started to become a dream, then slowly a reality? all this inception-type shit up in your own head...
add this to the list of things i'll never know.

opened eyes and now the potential of all things is opening up, however, perhaps.



when it rains it pours.
try to let go of one and streams of others flow in through your windows



but the problem is
the first one broke through the door and left the lock busted
so even after they leave
it keeps swinging
open
closed
half
open closed
midway
so you can't ever really keep your focus off that goddamn door.

but the windows are open.
and the fucking curtains are blowing in the breeze.

prologue

sometimes, it's like i'm two people.

part 1
i just wanna lounge around and
write all day
read great books and
learn how to play the guitar. more.
i want to wake up when i want,
usually early,
go on a hike,
or maybe a run,
and start my day off the way i see fit.
i want to have time to make beautiful meals.
see a movie by myself.
i want to just stay here, my home, and
enjoy
the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me
in all directions.
to explore it.
i want to love and wander with
my friends
my family of choice
and go to our favorite restaurant for dinner and beer.
i want to
find new lovers
and cuddle with them
maybe
but definitely
kiss them because
i like to kiss.
and we will talk about
the ways of the world..
because i won't really know the ways of the world.
but i will know the ways of mine.
and i want it to be so because
i choose it.



part 2
i want to pack up and go.
let me be free
money
can't beat me
i just wanna fly away from here,
bounding overseas to new places
new beautiful things are left unseen
but not anymore
not in part 2 me.
i want to eat and drink and adventure and live
like they do
who? you ask.
whoever. all of them.
broadway is out there
waiting for me to be there
and i want to be there.
i heard the eiffel tower is beautiful in may.
i want to learn about wine and pasta from the italians
(even though i hate wine)
because it just seems right.
i want to be in the midst of it all,
those gems few plan to see, and even fewer
stumble upon.
there's no plan other than
change.
i want to climb over unfamiliar mountains...
never putting down roots in them.
take a plane, train, automobile to
wherever i see fit.
and run there
walk there
love there
live there
become me there
and everywhere.
see
the ways of the world
and become them.

they're in the strange places

"as for the questions that you are asking yourself and others: don't concern yourself with death. immerse yourself in life. enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. my dear friend. don't ever stop asking questions. 

also, bear no malice for the ones who leave you. the only regret they feel now is the regret of not being able to tell you how they really feel. they wish that they could say goodbye to the ones they left behind. but sometimes that's not possible."
-bert v. royal

[plays answer my questions. sometimes the exact right answer and words fall into my hands right when i need them. i may have known this all along, somewhere underneath the insecurity, business, and wobbly legs of life. still, it's a serendipitous feeling to be reassured by the words of a work you just so happen to be a part of.]


"yeah, but..." is pernicious. because it makes it sounds like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should. it allows us to be cowards while sounding noble. most people i know who waited to travel the world never did. conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things -- eventually. be careful of the "yeah...but." 

so young person, travel. travel wide and far. travel boldly. travel with full abandon. you will regret few risks you take when it comes to this. i promise you that.
-jeff goins

[and then maybe sometimes i'm just trolling the facebook for a break from my lines in said play and i happen to read a little article that contains a couple of gems that i didn't know i needed to hear. some answers to questions i knew i had, but was afraid to ask. i need to do this for myself. i need to get out of this place in order to find where and who i am supposed to be. it's all about fear.]