live loud. live with bravery, openness. be vulnerable. BE SEEN.

“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” 

Timothy Leary

how many times is this going to happen before something changes?


i can't wrap my head around it.
i can't understand.
i truly don't see how it's possible.

yesterday as i was ordering groceries,
stocking shelves,
telling a joke or two

there was almost an alternate reality
on the other side of the country
on the other end of humanity

there were children, little humans, experiencing outrageous horror.
there were parents getting a phone call that they never in a million years imagined they would get.




makes me sick
makes me question a path in life


don't try to tell me that these children
these innocent, precious little lives
were somehow "destined" for this ....fate

don't try to tell me this event was sent to these families as a trial.
how dare you

no paycheck

blush too easily:
too often
at any emotional response.
laughter
anger
frustration
flattery
confusion
embarassment

strange crimson phenomenon in my cheeks.
why do you do this and why can't i stop you?

cry too easily:
in public
behind closed doors
in bed
in cars
when singing
when acting
when thinking
when reaching inside my heart
or breaking some wall down
[because contrary to popular belief i have them...]
and it feels literal, crashing

trust too easily:
too fully
others are wary
so why not me?
no apologies
until it makes me feel sorry
but i grovel at my own feet
to ask for forgiveness
for loving so hard that it hurts


wearing my heart on my sleeve
is kinda my day job

you'll have to excuse me but i just saw some breathtaking theatre so obviously i'm thinking and typing

my head is spinning
no
literally
or i guess it's just my brain doing this thing to my eyes so i can't focus


it's actually making me dizzy

but that's not the point
and in the words of tom, let's get to the point.

i'm sitting here and the breaths come in short spurts
paralyzed waist down
because i just can't understand it.

just imagining how much hurt we can feel over one thing. one person. one event.
we have a huge capacity to hurt, and an even bigger capacity to feel pain. but there is a threshold. at some point, it gets to be too much and we do something to change this; we try to take control of the pain. right? the blade can't go any deeper so we pull it out or we just live with it there, accepting its point, its blade in our kidneys. going about our daily routine as if we haven't lost this much blood...

eating lunch and someone says, "oh what's that?" "oh nothing just this knife i've been carrying around."




one minute we're eating some peanut butter on toast and walking by the neighbor's house to pick some flowers and the next minute we're ON THE GROUND IN THE FETAL POSITION because something is missing and it turns out someone walked away with it without leaving a note.
no message, no symbol.
nothing.
NOT EVEN A WARNING!
how dare you!

or maybe 23 something warnings that we chose to ignore or just couldn't see quite clearly (did you send them to the right number? my email has changed...)


but you know what the sickest part is?
you know what's really fucked up?

we do this to each other. humans.
i know you have a heart and you are aware of these easy beats and yet

and yet.



i just wonder is all.
i just want to know how often we balance ourselves out by nourishing our capacity to love.
it's huge. or at least i think so.
even if you didn't mean to hurt someone...because it is unavoidable sometimes because what would this life be with only love and no struggle...

even if you didn't mean to.
do you make up for it?
do we need to?
i don't know.
don't we owe it to ourselves? to humanity?
i think we do.

speak volumes

there's no need to study the technicality of words
for they simply are.
yet here i am.
to be at a loss for words is falling without hope of a hand.
words pack a powerful punch,
they separate us from the wolves.

the words
we say are all
well and good.
well.
not all.
some taste bitter coming out.
but still,
thoughts
turn to
brave
sounds escaping
our mouths.
my favorite things.

but what if
the only thing
that really
counts
is what we
do with them?
saying
the three most famous words
and then
following them
with
gratitude and
a meeting of lips
or eyes
or hands
or understanding.
what if
the only thing
that really matters
is
who
we share
them with?
one channel, two waves.
space filled.
warm reception.

would
all the words
unfollowed
by action
be just a
waste?

or is it just
that the words
need be
open and
covered in
honesty?


i think words are just beautiful as they are.
i breathe better when they're born of me.




"somehow, i thought we would save each other."
"we did."

nature ramble

i needed to be in the mountains today.


it's strange how badly i needed it and how long it took me to get there.
i forget
how truly amazing it feels
to be part of all that.
nature.
teeming with life, with brilliance and the reflection of the sun in my eyes.
just like the water, rippled with the wind kissing its surface.
i forget, but then it dawns on me
that at the end of the day,
the sun is the only reason there is an end of the day.
king of the sky.
i forget that no matter how far away i feel from myself,
i'm made of the same stuff as
these rocks
these trees
this air.
this clean air.
and therefore, i am close by and all around.




these massive giant things shoot into the sky and overpower the city.
tower over humans
and trees
and creatures and
civilization and
really anything that surrounds them.
but when i'm up there,
they surround ME.
they support me.
and we feel the same,
the mountains and me.

some nights

are just too good to be forgotten.

and they're just so so so good when they're happening that it just kinda...displaces you momentarily. makes you forget where you are or what you're doing tomorrow or how you got there or where you're from or really 

who these people are

because 

are YOU the lucky one 

who gets to have these experiences with these smiling, golden, genuine individuals??

yes. yes i am. YES!

and maybe you think to yourself, as you're running up the ramp in the parking garage and climbing over cement barriers and singing too loudly

...and listening to the percussive echoes of your feet and snapping fingers bounce off the walls and into the free night air...

"this is the way things should be. i should feel like this all the time."

we're always searching for happiness,

but it finds us at times like that.

what else is life for?

it's those moments.

i'm sure of it.

rando rambling half marathon blog

breakaway
from the pack

and just run

knowing that your lungs are strong
and,
even more importantly,
your mind is stronger.


100% mental effort brings amazing things.


i thought to myself,
"this is where you need to be."
"this is what you need."
"it's about time you figure your shit out."



find your groove, find your rhythm.
one foot in front of the other, simple as that.
the road is unforgiving, as people sometimes are.
but these trees and this air is all that matters right now.






we can't always get it right the first time.

and we don't always have the answers in a timely manner.

but i think we know what to fight for, in our heart of hearts, deep down.
and we just gotta listen.

fear and worthiness go hand in hand, in that one prevents you from reaching the other.

i won't apologize for being myself, and i won't change myself to be who you need/think/expect me to be.

we're all a little weak sometimes, and we just want someone to understand.

no excuses.

it's time to be honest.




^^ just some revelations and reinforcements of the road. ^^







pushed myself to my limits, truly, in a way i never had.



"today, YOU are my hero."
"pain is temporary, pride is forever."
random strangers. words of encouragement that pushed me in my last 2.




ACCOMPLISHMENT.
i can't wait for my next half. marathon maybe maybe maybe in the future.
so proud.
so proud.
i can do anything.
so proud of myself.

confession? discovery?

i have this fear that people will leave.
i'm discovering this, anyway.


i am occasionally afraid if i do or say certain things people will not love me as much. and leave or slowly fade.
not simple things. just if an argument happens or certain situations cause damage.
i feel afraid that if it's too much, they'll walk away.
i feel afraid that no one will fight to stay in it. with me.
i don't think i edit what i say or do based on this, but i think the fear lives in me.
it rears its ugly head when i feel threatened.

how silly, what a silly thing to even think about.

this is big for me, the fact that i'm revealing this in any way, especially on a public forum. it's hard to admit to your fears and insecurities.
this is a big one.
not that it takes over my life or anything, but it's big because it's unsettling.




what's weird is that my whole life so far, (or maybe in the last few years i've come to truly understand and accept this) i've just thought, "the ones who are meant to be in my life will be. they're here for a reason. those who have gone have changed me or taught me something, and they have done their time."
and i still believe that's the truth.


maybe i'm just in such a transition of my life right now...things don't make sense because nothing is permanent.

is it true? will the true friends and true relationships and connections just stay or at least come back, despite arguments and misunderstandings and time passing and distance growing?




i love these people and i want them to be here.
but i know i can't control it.
so...i'm just going to trust in the love.

so i walked out of an audition last night and i just felt like sharing this with the world and myself, because i was HIGH on my craft and i think it's because i'm in touch with my heart right now.

this isn't about happiness. this is about life.

in this life, nothing feels better than following your heart. truly listening to what the heart wants and acting on it will result in a form of contentment. i'm convinced.
i've tested this. i mean sure, i'm pretty young and i gotta lot to learn but i have felt unadulterated joy in this life. and at the root of it all, at the root of our desires and fulfillment.....is the muscle that keeps our blood pumping.

it just knows.
it just knows what you want and where you want to go. who you want to be.
obviously it is connected to the brain, to the body, but in the heart is where the magic happens.

i think the heart is often stifled by the same soul it speaks to.
roadblocks.
expectations get in the way, or shame, or guilt, or some other emotion or inner conflict we suffer from all too often, considering how fragile and precious our time is on this rock.
what's the point of all those things?
we feel our heart do something new and we recognize it, that shift, and occasionally we say, "no, stop that. you shouldn't feel like that. no. no. what are you trying to do, destroy me?"


because, well, it could.
because not everything works out.
because letting yourself go to that place of "I AM HERE, OPEN, AND WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES" is scary.
no, it's terrifying.



BUT. what if instead, we opened up more when we felt that ground shaking under our feet, knocking us off balance?
what if we recognized that our hearts are trying to expand, open, and become vulnerable in order to give us unexpected joy?


for me, an audition goes something like this:
fear. paranoia. panic. confidence. expression. RISK. freedom. completion. pride. contentment.
of course each one is different, but i go through this myriad of emotions and at the end of the day, my heart longs to be on the stage and my pursuit of this art form ALWAYS delivers results that prove to me this theory.




stop putting your heart under so much pressure!!
it's just trying to help!
it's only trying to LIVE the life you so deserve to live; one that is open and free and full of love...it only wants to be the heart it was meant to be...it wants to be authentic.
and it is you.



sometimes it's gotta hurt, so just let it hurt.
let yourself feel pain because at the end of the day, if it has come about because you took a chance following the path you knew your heart wanted you to take, you should feel proud and satisfied that you are present in your own life.

if, however, pain occurs because you are denying yourself of something you want, take the risk. dive in and do everything in your power to have it. otherwise, you will be saying, "i wonder what could have happened..." at some point. and maybe it won't be worth the wonder.
[this feat is indeed the more challenging one. emotionally strenuous. makes the heart hurt just to think about it.]



do not hide.
do not be afraid.
take accountability for your own life.
we reap that which we sow.

lovely words on an all-too-complicated emotion/noun

      Everything is at once so simple and so complicated! It's simple because all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the adventure of being alive.
      And it's complicated: Why am I not looking for a happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
      After all, what is happiness?
      Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the times if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
      All right then, peace. Peace? If we look at the Mother, she's never at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon never meet, the tiger chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
      Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.
      I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex-- it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contented, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.
      When I'm with a group of people and I want to provoke them by asking that most important of all questions-- Are you happy? --they all reply: "Yes, I am."
      Then I ask: "But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?" And they all reply: "Of course."
       Then I say: "So you're not happy." And they change the subject.

i didn't write this, though i wish i did. Mr. Paolo Cohelo is a genius in my book.

when i read this, it immediately reminded me of my good friend who once said, "i don't know if i can pinpoint many times in my life when i was really, truly happy."
at the time, his statement made me sad. because who wouldn't want their friends and loved ones to be happy...always?

but here's the truth: we can't be happy all the time. even if i could, i wouldn't want to be. what is life if not a roller coaster of all the good and the bad? the sad times contrasted with happiness is what makes life worth living. we literally wouldn't have anything associated with the word "happy" if we did not also have the opposing word, "sad," to compare it to.

it....HAPPINESS... is this big, idyllic word, and the definition is different for everyone, and it is an element constant and fleeting at the same time.

finding what makes our hearts beat faster; pursuing our ultimate desire, whether that be a career or a state of mind...i believe that will bring happiness. living true to yourself and being honest with others while you experience the life you create....that is happiness.
it is not a goal, it is a biproduct, forged when we love who we are and what we do.

discovery.
the beauty of the little things in life, because little things are all life really is.


happiness.
it can be anything. it can be everything, if you let it be.

and then she turned around but she wasn't who they thought she was. she had changed.

she had transformed, as we all do on a constant basis.


Change
is this apparently loaded word that people fear and a terrifying idea that many run from.


the thing about change, though, is that it is a completely free idea, without association...until we give it one.
change is YOU. ME. WE.
we are all it. it is happening all around us, all the time, even from the most basic existence of our planet! and by that i mean our earth is constantly changing positions in the sky, in the universe. if it didn't do this, if our earth was stagnant and it lost its orbit and we ceased to see the sun come over those beautiful mountains in the way it does in the early AM and sink behind them in the PM to finish the cycle, we would absolutely and permanently cease to exist.


the seasons would end
the temperatures would blaze on one half of the earth while the other half would freeze, locked forever in a fatal position far away from our planet's generous star.
plants would die
and this would begin to eliminate agriculture while simultaneously breaking down the miraculous cycle of photosynthesis, decreasing the oxygen levels in our atmosphere until breathing is something of a chore until it is impossible.
animals would have nothing to feed on
because the food chain would just continue to disintegrate, taking one species at a time, probably ending with the carnivores who happen to have opposable thumbs.
and water
i don't even want to think of what that would do to our water.
lakes frozen, evaporated, weather patterns thrown completely off, oceans with tidal waves to wipe out entire cities, natural disasters abound.
50% of the earth's inhabitants would be trapped in perpetual darkness
while the other half would exhaust the world's supply of sunscreen in no time as they begin to dig shelters underground to shield themselves from harsh, red rays.
i wonder if gravity would still exist if we weren't turning.
i wonder.




but i digress. because really. i mean...
look the point of all those words up there is that this is how it is. this is our existence, it is one that has already decided that we shall evolve. we are constantly changing just by being earthlings, and this billion year old rock has got it ingrained in us.


so why do we resist it?
and could we benefit from eliminating that resistance?

i'm not saying i don't resist; i am definitely included in the we.
it is hard. it is REALLY hard sometimes, to just throw up your hands and say, "welp, this is how it is and i'm going to smile about the fact that i didn't get that role i worked really damn hard to get." "welllll i guess there's nothing else to do but be grateful for the way this person rarely speaks to me anymore, because that's just the way life is right now." "i think i'll stay positive about the fact that my purse was just stolen for the second time in two months, because i'm going to learn something from it. again."



[we do it all the time as kids. we're changing so much as we grow up and become "adults" or something, and we don't even acknowledge it. because it's just happening, and at that point we haven't really learned to be conscious of our lives changing. it just is and we unknowingly accept that, riding the wave as it flows.]

the third example quote i used above was straight out of my life last year. i compared the two incidents a lot, because my reaction each time was completely different from the other. the first time, i cried and cried over a stolen journal and the nostalgic bag and what a DICK that thief was. i was miserable for a little while. the next time it happened, i calmly called the credit card companies and breathed some, accepting that it had happened and that there was nothing i could do about it.
and ya know what? it felt so good! in fact, it let me look at the humor of the situation, my bag being stolen out of the same parking lot and through the same window...twice.


so we do have control! we have a lot more than we think when it comes to change! we don't need to feel like life sold us a bike with no handlebars, because those handlebars are within ourselves.


we can control the way we react to change and what we do with it. in fact, that's the only thing in life we can control. we decide. and i think that's a beautiful thing.

i'm not saying we shouldn't mourn change, loss, or anything related to it in order to be smiley and  100% positive all the time. that's pretty stupid and nearly impossible.

i think we deserve, and owe it to ourselves in fact, to mourn loss and change if we need to. we're allowed to just feel the sadness and the quick jolt or shock or displacement that comes when something in our lives changes.
but let us recognize that it is temporary. that jolt will only be as long as we make it.
we can take time to get accustomed to the change and what it has brought.
and we can accept it in our own time.
but the longer we mourn how this change has darkened our lives, the longer we miss the beautiful things that have come of it.

after all, change is not going to stop. as long as we breathe, we're doing it.
it's what makes LIFE what it is, it's what makes us FULL and WHOLE.
change is what separates us from....no one. nothing. it connects us.
it gives us meaning.
it gives us opportunity.
it gives us interaction.
it gives us possibility.
it gives us experiences.
it brings us love.

it gives me energy.
it gives me light.
it gives me hope.

August 2011

The Labyrinth

Take time to separate from the world and listen to yourself, your inner voice. Let yourself flow and you will discover that you have known the truth all along. A labyrinth is not a maze. A labyrinth has only one path. There is no wrong turn. Follow a journey to your own center. Stay. Breathe. Balance. Let your thoughts flow in and out. Discover that which is within. Going in, to the deepest point possible, and perhaps beyond, is the only way out of a labyrinth. Complete the journey. Continue it constantly, and do not take it for granted. Live within yourself.





I wrote the above words after winding my way through a stone labyrinth at Menucha in Oregon.
It was a beautiful moment.
I refer to these words often.
They remind me to slow down.
They make me feel that nothing is worrisome, because everything is already within me, and that's a truly beautiful thing!
They simply flowed out of me, just like our emotions do if we allow them to.

i'm training for this race in october. it's called the Tough Mudder and it's a 10 mile obstacle course designed by british special forces. and...i'm gonna rock it.

i am discovering a lot about myself lately.

1. heart
2. brain
3. body

i think it's safe to conclude that when my body is physically compromised, my mind and heart have a tendency to clarify certain things.
people,
events,
work,
books,
songs,
my own thoughts....
                                ...kinda just make more sense.


it's like my brain is making up for one third of me undertaking large amounts of stress, so it skips faster and those synapses are connecting and flying more and my heart is just opened up [maybe due to all the stretching and the connecting with nature but maybe because i am vulnerable once again] and feels everything even a liiiiiittle more deeply than before.

or maybe my brain is evolving along with my body.

or maybe i like feeling myself getting stronger.

or maybe what i want is becoming clearer.

or maybe my understanding of my potential is driving me to push through to a deeper side of myself.

or maybe i'm remembering the goals i made after grad school auditions.

or maybe i'm completely grateful for the way life just takes me where i need to go and shows me what i need to see and leads me toward who i need to know.



i'm a really lucky individual, no matter why this is going on.
as they say, it's all about the journey.



I'm PROUD of how far i've come in only 25 days! i am running circles around my old self.

today at dinner, i told one of my best friends, "i think this weird thing is happening...for the first time, i TRULY understand the connection between my body and everything else. i'm not just saying i know because i work for whole foods and i went vegan once and i'm careful to eat the right things and i go to the gym. i have this goal and it's forcing me to treat my body like a machine, because it is."


i'm living in this space 24/7.
so now i truly know. now i see.

my body can always do one more rep
                                  run one more mile
                                  hold 10 more seconds
                                  lower one more inch
                                                                     if my mind is strong and my heart believes.

and when my body, mind, and heart are working together, i can do anything.

i deserve this.
and on race day, i'm crossing that finish line with the understanding that my legs are carried over it by my dedication, hard work, and DRIVE.

this is way more than a race.
this is ............................ i don't know yet. but it's something else.

when i want to remember my strength, i read. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,
"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson





whether i believe in god or not doesn't really matter, because it's about
the light,
it's about the heart.


because we should all let our brightest light shine,
and sometimes we forget
how beautiful we truly are.


warts and all.
it is our weaknesses, our vulnerability, our struggles
that truly connect us.





and if we encounter a force in life that dims this light,
[it is of my opinion that]
we should cut them out.
or at least decrease their presence.









because we are all the sun.

turn me into the wind

       "This is why alchemy exists," the boy said. "So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life. Lead will play its role until the world has no further need for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.
       "That's what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too."
       "Well, why did you say that I don't know about love?" the sun asked the boy.
       "Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."
       "So what do you want of me?" the sun asked.
       "I want you to help me turn myself into the wind," the boy answered.




Excerpt from one of the coolest books I have ever read. I was truly inspired when I read these words. I can't accurately describe the feeling.

It gave me so much...everything. Life. Hope. Energy. Gratitude.
I am always trying to live presently and openly, and I read this about 45 minutes before I headed on stage for Almost, Maine. I was so nervous, but the words transformed me and suddenly I felt so alive and I knew that the words were brought to me at the exact right time.

I couldn't stop smiling. I'm still smiling.

just getting ready for work and i'm feeling pretty GREAT! i graduated yesterday and things are just...i just love things. but

i hate when i wake up in the morning and my eyes are really puffy
but not just
regular puffy

it's like "i've been crying in the night" puffy

but you went to sleep feeling pretty good so it's like


wait a minute...what was i crying about in my sleep that my body and heart didn't let me cry about while awake?

so if you don't like swearing maybe don't read this. also, here's a real warning: you might not understand this unless you are a fan of Faulkner.

there's so much i need to get out that it feels impossible to type fast enough or accurately enough to help my brain make sense on the screen. so fuck capitalization and proper punctuation unless i feel like going back and editing this at some point. I'VE BEEN PROPERLY CAPITALIZING AND PUNCTUATING MY PAPERS, LIFE, AND ALLLLL THAT COMES WITH IT FOR FOUR YEARS NOW. so...this will be what they call...i believe the proper term is "cluster-fuck," in the scholastic vernacular.

i am so conflicted. i am so conflicted.


i am so happy. i am so hopeful. i am so excited. i am joyous!! i am so scared. this journey is ending and every ending is a new beginning and i understand that but what do we do...what do humans do when they are scared of what-the-fuck-ever?



we run. we run. i run.
             i stopped running.
                            running feels okay right now.
                            stagnant feels scary.
                         

this wasn't just four years of my life, they were the four years that have allowed me to absolutely and completely transform into a person i am proud to be.
this
isn't
just
time.





i confront fear, i do not let worries and doubts live within me. this is my time. i embrace aching as much as i embrace the light in my life.
 but what do i do without this place?
"something beautiful about you ali is that you do not allow doubt to rule your life. i have NO doubt in my heart that you were created to perform."
kind words from someone near and dear to my heart.



this is my reality: let me take a moment to TRY to actually explain: all i have known for 4 years...it's just hanging here.
IT'S LIKE THIS: it's like when you are sitting somewhere, doing whatever. you're in your room. you're maybe writing or just zoning out or whatever, and suddenly you notice there is a blurry spot in your vision. your head shakes a little, you look at the fuzzy spot and you refocus and it's a spider, just hanging there on his or her sturdy silk rope. it's literally inches from your face and just waiting. who knows how long it has been there, but it is, and it's presence is probably alarming, unless you're that sick fuck who likes spiders.

that's what has happened to me in the last day. my reality is the spider and i am me, writing in my journal, living on stage or outside in nature. sitting here innocently while this THING this weird, semi-invisible THING just hangs in the balance. the spider is change.

and it's all coming into focus now.

the challenge for any human being, when that spider comes into focus, is to stay calm. the general gut instinct is a deflective reaction derived from fear-- I swat the spider away or grab two shoes and smash it between rubber soles.


let it be.
let it be.
let it be.
let it be.

so here's the thing.

If one more person asks me what I'm doing after graduation, I'm gonna lose my mind. Imma break some skulls. Actually, I'll probably just start answering quite sarcastically, and you really don't want that.



I know, I know. you're curious. You care. With the exception of the few who are under the impression that it's the "polite thing to do," most of you are genuinely asking because you're interested.

The reactions are where many go wrong. Because this socio-ridiculous stigma against uncertainty of any kind is certainly obnoxious. I don't have to know anything yet, because i'm only 22 and my brain won't even be fully developed for another four years or something!!




I've been okay with it. I've been great with it. I AM cool with it. Even better, I'm excited about it. "It" being "not having a plan whatsoever." You people need to understand that we don't all operate under the same timeline.

It's not high school, college, boyfriend, married, children, grow old....
for me.
It's high school, college, who the hell knows?

My five senses are passion, positivity, openness, vulnerability, and perseverance.
my heart.
my heart leads the way.


you really don't need to worry, i promise! i'll be fine.
at this point, i know how to listen to my heart,
                    and it talks pretty loud.