lovely words on an all-too-complicated emotion/noun

      Everything is at once so simple and so complicated! It's simple because all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the adventure of being alive.
      And it's complicated: Why am I not looking for a happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
      After all, what is happiness?
      Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the times if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
      All right then, peace. Peace? If we look at the Mother, she's never at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon never meet, the tiger chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
      Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.
      I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex-- it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contented, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.
      When I'm with a group of people and I want to provoke them by asking that most important of all questions-- Are you happy? --they all reply: "Yes, I am."
      Then I ask: "But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?" And they all reply: "Of course."
       Then I say: "So you're not happy." And they change the subject.

i didn't write this, though i wish i did. Mr. Paolo Cohelo is a genius in my book.

when i read this, it immediately reminded me of my good friend who once said, "i don't know if i can pinpoint many times in my life when i was really, truly happy."
at the time, his statement made me sad. because who wouldn't want their friends and loved ones to be happy...always?

but here's the truth: we can't be happy all the time. even if i could, i wouldn't want to be. what is life if not a roller coaster of all the good and the bad? the sad times contrasted with happiness is what makes life worth living. we literally wouldn't have anything associated with the word "happy" if we did not also have the opposing word, "sad," to compare it to.

it....HAPPINESS... is this big, idyllic word, and the definition is different for everyone, and it is an element constant and fleeting at the same time.

finding what makes our hearts beat faster; pursuing our ultimate desire, whether that be a career or a state of mind...i believe that will bring happiness. living true to yourself and being honest with others while you experience the life you create....that is happiness.
it is not a goal, it is a biproduct, forged when we love who we are and what we do.

discovery.
the beauty of the little things in life, because little things are all life really is.


happiness.
it can be anything. it can be everything, if you let it be.

and then she turned around but she wasn't who they thought she was. she had changed.

she had transformed, as we all do on a constant basis.


Change
is this apparently loaded word that people fear and a terrifying idea that many run from.


the thing about change, though, is that it is a completely free idea, without association...until we give it one.
change is YOU. ME. WE.
we are all it. it is happening all around us, all the time, even from the most basic existence of our planet! and by that i mean our earth is constantly changing positions in the sky, in the universe. if it didn't do this, if our earth was stagnant and it lost its orbit and we ceased to see the sun come over those beautiful mountains in the way it does in the early AM and sink behind them in the PM to finish the cycle, we would absolutely and permanently cease to exist.


the seasons would end
the temperatures would blaze on one half of the earth while the other half would freeze, locked forever in a fatal position far away from our planet's generous star.
plants would die
and this would begin to eliminate agriculture while simultaneously breaking down the miraculous cycle of photosynthesis, decreasing the oxygen levels in our atmosphere until breathing is something of a chore until it is impossible.
animals would have nothing to feed on
because the food chain would just continue to disintegrate, taking one species at a time, probably ending with the carnivores who happen to have opposable thumbs.
and water
i don't even want to think of what that would do to our water.
lakes frozen, evaporated, weather patterns thrown completely off, oceans with tidal waves to wipe out entire cities, natural disasters abound.
50% of the earth's inhabitants would be trapped in perpetual darkness
while the other half would exhaust the world's supply of sunscreen in no time as they begin to dig shelters underground to shield themselves from harsh, red rays.
i wonder if gravity would still exist if we weren't turning.
i wonder.




but i digress. because really. i mean...
look the point of all those words up there is that this is how it is. this is our existence, it is one that has already decided that we shall evolve. we are constantly changing just by being earthlings, and this billion year old rock has got it ingrained in us.


so why do we resist it?
and could we benefit from eliminating that resistance?

i'm not saying i don't resist; i am definitely included in the we.
it is hard. it is REALLY hard sometimes, to just throw up your hands and say, "welp, this is how it is and i'm going to smile about the fact that i didn't get that role i worked really damn hard to get." "welllll i guess there's nothing else to do but be grateful for the way this person rarely speaks to me anymore, because that's just the way life is right now." "i think i'll stay positive about the fact that my purse was just stolen for the second time in two months, because i'm going to learn something from it. again."



[we do it all the time as kids. we're changing so much as we grow up and become "adults" or something, and we don't even acknowledge it. because it's just happening, and at that point we haven't really learned to be conscious of our lives changing. it just is and we unknowingly accept that, riding the wave as it flows.]

the third example quote i used above was straight out of my life last year. i compared the two incidents a lot, because my reaction each time was completely different from the other. the first time, i cried and cried over a stolen journal and the nostalgic bag and what a DICK that thief was. i was miserable for a little while. the next time it happened, i calmly called the credit card companies and breathed some, accepting that it had happened and that there was nothing i could do about it.
and ya know what? it felt so good! in fact, it let me look at the humor of the situation, my bag being stolen out of the same parking lot and through the same window...twice.


so we do have control! we have a lot more than we think when it comes to change! we don't need to feel like life sold us a bike with no handlebars, because those handlebars are within ourselves.


we can control the way we react to change and what we do with it. in fact, that's the only thing in life we can control. we decide. and i think that's a beautiful thing.

i'm not saying we shouldn't mourn change, loss, or anything related to it in order to be smiley and  100% positive all the time. that's pretty stupid and nearly impossible.

i think we deserve, and owe it to ourselves in fact, to mourn loss and change if we need to. we're allowed to just feel the sadness and the quick jolt or shock or displacement that comes when something in our lives changes.
but let us recognize that it is temporary. that jolt will only be as long as we make it.
we can take time to get accustomed to the change and what it has brought.
and we can accept it in our own time.
but the longer we mourn how this change has darkened our lives, the longer we miss the beautiful things that have come of it.

after all, change is not going to stop. as long as we breathe, we're doing it.
it's what makes LIFE what it is, it's what makes us FULL and WHOLE.
change is what separates us from....no one. nothing. it connects us.
it gives us meaning.
it gives us opportunity.
it gives us interaction.
it gives us possibility.
it gives us experiences.
it brings us love.

it gives me energy.
it gives me light.
it gives me hope.

August 2011

The Labyrinth

Take time to separate from the world and listen to yourself, your inner voice. Let yourself flow and you will discover that you have known the truth all along. A labyrinth is not a maze. A labyrinth has only one path. There is no wrong turn. Follow a journey to your own center. Stay. Breathe. Balance. Let your thoughts flow in and out. Discover that which is within. Going in, to the deepest point possible, and perhaps beyond, is the only way out of a labyrinth. Complete the journey. Continue it constantly, and do not take it for granted. Live within yourself.





I wrote the above words after winding my way through a stone labyrinth at Menucha in Oregon.
It was a beautiful moment.
I refer to these words often.
They remind me to slow down.
They make me feel that nothing is worrisome, because everything is already within me, and that's a truly beautiful thing!
They simply flowed out of me, just like our emotions do if we allow them to.

i'm training for this race in october. it's called the Tough Mudder and it's a 10 mile obstacle course designed by british special forces. and...i'm gonna rock it.

i am discovering a lot about myself lately.

1. heart
2. brain
3. body

i think it's safe to conclude that when my body is physically compromised, my mind and heart have a tendency to clarify certain things.
people,
events,
work,
books,
songs,
my own thoughts....
                                ...kinda just make more sense.


it's like my brain is making up for one third of me undertaking large amounts of stress, so it skips faster and those synapses are connecting and flying more and my heart is just opened up [maybe due to all the stretching and the connecting with nature but maybe because i am vulnerable once again] and feels everything even a liiiiiittle more deeply than before.

or maybe my brain is evolving along with my body.

or maybe i like feeling myself getting stronger.

or maybe what i want is becoming clearer.

or maybe my understanding of my potential is driving me to push through to a deeper side of myself.

or maybe i'm remembering the goals i made after grad school auditions.

or maybe i'm completely grateful for the way life just takes me where i need to go and shows me what i need to see and leads me toward who i need to know.



i'm a really lucky individual, no matter why this is going on.
as they say, it's all about the journey.



I'm PROUD of how far i've come in only 25 days! i am running circles around my old self.

today at dinner, i told one of my best friends, "i think this weird thing is happening...for the first time, i TRULY understand the connection between my body and everything else. i'm not just saying i know because i work for whole foods and i went vegan once and i'm careful to eat the right things and i go to the gym. i have this goal and it's forcing me to treat my body like a machine, because it is."


i'm living in this space 24/7.
so now i truly know. now i see.

my body can always do one more rep
                                  run one more mile
                                  hold 10 more seconds
                                  lower one more inch
                                                                     if my mind is strong and my heart believes.

and when my body, mind, and heart are working together, i can do anything.

i deserve this.
and on race day, i'm crossing that finish line with the understanding that my legs are carried over it by my dedication, hard work, and DRIVE.

this is way more than a race.
this is ............................ i don't know yet. but it's something else.

when i want to remember my strength, i read. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,
"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson





whether i believe in god or not doesn't really matter, because it's about
the light,
it's about the heart.


because we should all let our brightest light shine,
and sometimes we forget
how beautiful we truly are.


warts and all.
it is our weaknesses, our vulnerability, our struggles
that truly connect us.





and if we encounter a force in life that dims this light,
[it is of my opinion that]
we should cut them out.
or at least decrease their presence.









because we are all the sun.

turn me into the wind

       "This is why alchemy exists," the boy said. "So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life. Lead will play its role until the world has no further need for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.
       "That's what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too."
       "Well, why did you say that I don't know about love?" the sun asked the boy.
       "Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."
       "So what do you want of me?" the sun asked.
       "I want you to help me turn myself into the wind," the boy answered.




Excerpt from one of the coolest books I have ever read. I was truly inspired when I read these words. I can't accurately describe the feeling.

It gave me so much...everything. Life. Hope. Energy. Gratitude.
I am always trying to live presently and openly, and I read this about 45 minutes before I headed on stage for Almost, Maine. I was so nervous, but the words transformed me and suddenly I felt so alive and I knew that the words were brought to me at the exact right time.

I couldn't stop smiling. I'm still smiling.

just getting ready for work and i'm feeling pretty GREAT! i graduated yesterday and things are just...i just love things. but

i hate when i wake up in the morning and my eyes are really puffy
but not just
regular puffy

it's like "i've been crying in the night" puffy

but you went to sleep feeling pretty good so it's like


wait a minute...what was i crying about in my sleep that my body and heart didn't let me cry about while awake?