*sigh. it's time to say it.

this is all i have to say to you, sir.

it's been a long time coming.

____________________

one day, i will make the right guy so happy.

he will be with me and i will be with him

and that will be enough

for us.

i'll wake up in the morning and i'll think about how lucky i am to have a guy who knows how

lucky

he

is.

we won't have to do anything in particular to have fun...

there will be days where we just walk around, goofing off, making out, not really caring who's driving by or whose dog is sitting there, watching.

"humans are disgusting..." they think.

we are golden.

we will be golden.

he'll probably know when i'd rather stay in and watch a movie and when i'd rather go out and dance like a maniac.

and he will dance with me until i can't dance anymore.

and i'll probably know when he'd rather stay in and play halo and when he'd rather go out and have some adventure...who knows.

[it's theoretical.]

we will be so in love! he will love me for who i am, and i will not be afraid to be myself when i am around him

[it would be ridiculous to be afraid, because he fell en l'amour with who i really am, all of who i really am. and he will be so proud of it; he will want to show me off to his parents and his friends, because man...we are just so good for each other. and it shows.]

i will make sure that we're not spending too much time together.

guys need guy time.

girls need girl time.

and it took time for this to occur. no need to rush it.

we will just get each other,

and even

strangers

will

be

able

to

tell.

he won't be perfect, because God knows i'm not.

but he will bring me Ben&Jerry's after my finals, or after i get that promotion.

and i will take him to his favorite place on his birthday, so we can be there together.

and isn't that nice?

because the sun will shine on me and i will be able to look up in the sky and think to myself

"i never thought i could have this...

...but how amazing that i do."

and when i think that,

it's like he hears me.

because he will look over

and do that smile that i know i will

just

love.

and he will say something like...

"hey beautiful. thanks for all this. i love you, you know."

and well i will just sit and stare and hope that he knows

how

very

much

i DO

know.

so there i will be.

however. HERE WE ARE. i'm only telling you this...because YOU, sir, will be the guy who passes me on the street one day. and i will be so lost in him and the beauty of all of it that i will

not.

even.

see.

you.

i don't wish pain on you, i never would. that would be cruel [which was your game].

but in that moment, i hope you feel a fraction of what i once felt for you.

LONGING.

[they say that longing is a bi-product of regret. have fun with that.]

i know it'll all be worth it.

everything.
sometimes it's all just jumbled and i lose track of my days and i don't remember whether i'm supposed to be at work or driving someone to the airport or setting my alarm to wake up or eating a meal....sometimes i just don't know where i am.

and i've chosen that.

it wasn't a hard decision.

a voice inside of me said "would you like to live your life to the fullest?"

and i didn't stop to think before i said "YES. yes i would."

times square

i really can't believe 2009 is over.

but something weird happened this year when the clock struck 12. normally i feel like something new has started. it's a psychological thing..i just convince myself that "oooh..the NEW year."

but this year, i didn't feel anything. i was sitting there with my friends Justin and Taylor, and they announced it and it just felt like i was in a movie, acting, and there wasn't anything really different happening.

it was so odd....i can't really understand why that happened.

i left my phone in the car and couldn't tell my best friend Jessica happy new year. i regret leaving it. i really wanted to tell her.

hearing it at 3 in the morning is not the same as hearing it at midnight.