Wednesday, June 27, 2012

i'm training for this race in october. it's called the Tough Mudder and it's a 10 mile obstacle course designed by british special forces. and...i'm gonna rock it.

i am discovering a lot about myself lately.

1. heart
2. brain
3. body

i think it's safe to conclude that when my body is physically compromised, my mind and heart have a tendency to clarify certain things.
my own thoughts....
                                ...kinda just make more sense.

it's like my brain is making up for one third of me undertaking large amounts of stress, so it skips faster and those synapses are connecting and flying more and my heart is just opened up [maybe due to all the stretching and the connecting with nature but maybe because i am vulnerable once again] and feels everything even a liiiiiittle more deeply than before.

or maybe my brain is evolving along with my body.

or maybe i like feeling myself getting stronger.

or maybe what i want is becoming clearer.

or maybe my understanding of my potential is driving me to push through to a deeper side of myself.

or maybe i'm remembering the goals i made after grad school auditions.

or maybe i'm completely grateful for the way life just takes me where i need to go and shows me what i need to see and leads me toward who i need to know.

i'm a really lucky individual, no matter why this is going on.
as they say, it's all about the journey.

I'm PROUD of how far i've come in only 25 days! i am running circles around my old self.

today at dinner, i told one of my best friends, "i think this weird thing is happening...for the first time, i TRULY understand the connection between my body and everything else. i'm not just saying i know because i work for whole foods and i went vegan once and i'm careful to eat the right things and i go to the gym. i have this goal and it's forcing me to treat my body like a machine, because it is."

i'm living in this space 24/7.
so now i truly know. now i see.

my body can always do one more rep
                                  run one more mile
                                  hold 10 more seconds
                                  lower one more inch
                                                                     if my mind is strong and my heart believes.

and when my body, mind, and heart are working together, i can do anything.

i deserve this.
and on race day, i'm crossing that finish line with the understanding that my legs are carried over it by my dedication, hard work, and DRIVE.

this is way more than a race.
this is ............................ i don't know yet. but it's something else.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

when i want to remember my strength, i read. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,
"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

whether i believe in god or not doesn't really matter, because it's about
the light,
it's about the heart.

because we should all let our brightest light shine,
and sometimes we forget
how beautiful we truly are.

warts and all.
it is our weaknesses, our vulnerability, our struggles
that truly connect us.

and if we encounter a force in life that dims this light,
[it is of my opinion that]
we should cut them out.
or at least decrease their presence.

because we are all the sun.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

turn me into the wind

       "This is why alchemy exists," the boy said. "So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life. Lead will play its role until the world has no further need for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.
       "That's what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too."
       "Well, why did you say that I don't know about love?" the sun asked the boy.
       "Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."
       "So what do you want of me?" the sun asked.
       "I want you to help me turn myself into the wind," the boy answered.

Excerpt from one of the coolest books I have ever read. I was truly inspired when I read these words. I can't accurately describe the feeling.

It gave me so much...everything. Life. Hope. Energy. Gratitude.
I am always trying to live presently and openly, and I read this about 45 minutes before I headed on stage for Almost, Maine. I was so nervous, but the words transformed me and suddenly I felt so alive and I knew that the words were brought to me at the exact right time.

I couldn't stop smiling. I'm still smiling.

just getting ready for work and i'm feeling pretty GREAT! i graduated yesterday and things are just...i just love things. but

i hate when i wake up in the morning and my eyes are really puffy
but not just
regular puffy

it's like "i've been crying in the night" puffy

but you went to sleep feeling pretty good so it's like

wait a minute...what was i crying about in my sleep that my body and heart didn't let me cry about while awake?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

so if you don't like swearing maybe don't read this. also, here's a real warning: you might not understand this unless you are a fan of Faulkner.

there's so much i need to get out that it feels impossible to type fast enough or accurately enough to help my brain make sense on the screen. so fuck capitalization and proper punctuation unless i feel like going back and editing this at some point. I'VE BEEN PROPERLY CAPITALIZING AND PUNCTUATING MY PAPERS, LIFE, AND ALLLLL THAT COMES WITH IT FOR FOUR YEARS NOW. so...this will be what they call...i believe the proper term is "cluster-fuck," in the scholastic vernacular.

i am so conflicted. i am so conflicted.

i am so happy. i am so hopeful. i am so excited. i am joyous!! i am so scared. this journey is ending and every ending is a new beginning and i understand that but what do we do...what do humans do when they are scared of what-the-fuck-ever?

we run. we run. i run.
             i stopped running.
                            running feels okay right now.
                            stagnant feels scary.

this wasn't just four years of my life, they were the four years that have allowed me to absolutely and completely transform into a person i am proud to be.

i confront fear, i do not let worries and doubts live within me. this is my time. i embrace aching as much as i embrace the light in my life.
 but what do i do without this place?
"something beautiful about you ali is that you do not allow doubt to rule your life. i have NO doubt in my heart that you were created to perform."
kind words from someone near and dear to my heart.

this is my reality: let me take a moment to TRY to actually explain: all i have known for 4's just hanging here.
IT'S LIKE THIS: it's like when you are sitting somewhere, doing whatever. you're in your room. you're maybe writing or just zoning out or whatever, and suddenly you notice there is a blurry spot in your vision. your head shakes a little, you look at the fuzzy spot and you refocus and it's a spider, just hanging there on his or her sturdy silk rope. it's literally inches from your face and just waiting. who knows how long it has been there, but it is, and it's presence is probably alarming, unless you're that sick fuck who likes spiders.

that's what has happened to me in the last day. my reality is the spider and i am me, writing in my journal, living on stage or outside in nature. sitting here innocently while this THING this weird, semi-invisible THING just hangs in the balance. the spider is change.

and it's all coming into focus now.

the challenge for any human being, when that spider comes into focus, is to stay calm. the general gut instinct is a deflective reaction derived from fear-- I swat the spider away or grab two shoes and smash it between rubber soles.

let it be.
let it be.
let it be.
let it be.