Saturday, September 22, 2012

rando rambling half marathon blog

from the pack

and just run

knowing that your lungs are strong
even more importantly,
your mind is stronger.

100% mental effort brings amazing things.

i thought to myself,
"this is where you need to be."
"this is what you need."
"it's about time you figure your shit out."

find your groove, find your rhythm.
one foot in front of the other, simple as that.
the road is unforgiving, as people sometimes are.
but these trees and this air is all that matters right now.

we can't always get it right the first time.

and we don't always have the answers in a timely manner.

but i think we know what to fight for, in our heart of hearts, deep down.
and we just gotta listen.

fear and worthiness go hand in hand, in that one prevents you from reaching the other.

i won't apologize for being myself, and i won't change myself to be who you need/think/expect me to be.

we're all a little weak sometimes, and we just want someone to understand.

no excuses.

it's time to be honest.

^^ just some revelations and reinforcements of the road. ^^

pushed myself to my limits, truly, in a way i never had.

"today, YOU are my hero."
"pain is temporary, pride is forever."
random strangers. words of encouragement that pushed me in my last 2.

i can't wait for my next half. marathon maybe maybe maybe in the future.
so proud.
so proud.
i can do anything.
so proud of myself.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

confession? discovery?

i have this fear that people will leave.
i'm discovering this, anyway.

i am occasionally afraid if i do or say certain things people will not love me as much. and leave or slowly fade.
not simple things. just if an argument happens or certain situations cause damage.
i feel afraid that if it's too much, they'll walk away.
i feel afraid that no one will fight to stay in it. with me.
i don't think i edit what i say or do based on this, but i think the fear lives in me.
it rears its ugly head when i feel threatened.

how silly, what a silly thing to even think about.

this is big for me, the fact that i'm revealing this in any way, especially on a public forum. it's hard to admit to your fears and insecurities.
this is a big one.
not that it takes over my life or anything, but it's big because it's unsettling.

what's weird is that my whole life so far, (or maybe in the last few years i've come to truly understand and accept this) i've just thought, "the ones who are meant to be in my life will be. they're here for a reason. those who have gone have changed me or taught me something, and they have done their time."
and i still believe that's the truth.

maybe i'm just in such a transition of my life right now...things don't make sense because nothing is permanent.

is it true? will the true friends and true relationships and connections just stay or at least come back, despite arguments and misunderstandings and time passing and distance growing?

i love these people and i want them to be here.
but i know i can't control it.
so...i'm just going to trust in the love.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

so i walked out of an audition last night and i just felt like sharing this with the world and myself, because i was HIGH on my craft and i think it's because i'm in touch with my heart right now.

this isn't about happiness. this is about life.

in this life, nothing feels better than following your heart. truly listening to what the heart wants and acting on it will result in a form of contentment. i'm convinced.
i've tested this. i mean sure, i'm pretty young and i gotta lot to learn but i have felt unadulterated joy in this life. and at the root of it all, at the root of our desires and the muscle that keeps our blood pumping.

it just knows.
it just knows what you want and where you want to go. who you want to be.
obviously it is connected to the brain, to the body, but in the heart is where the magic happens.

i think the heart is often stifled by the same soul it speaks to.
expectations get in the way, or shame, or guilt, or some other emotion or inner conflict we suffer from all too often, considering how fragile and precious our time is on this rock.
what's the point of all those things?
we feel our heart do something new and we recognize it, that shift, and occasionally we say, "no, stop that. you shouldn't feel like that. no. no. what are you trying to do, destroy me?"

because, well, it could.
because not everything works out.
because letting yourself go to that place of "I AM HERE, OPEN, AND WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES" is scary.
no, it's terrifying.

BUT. what if instead, we opened up more when we felt that ground shaking under our feet, knocking us off balance?
what if we recognized that our hearts are trying to expand, open, and become vulnerable in order to give us unexpected joy?

for me, an audition goes something like this:
fear. paranoia. panic. confidence. expression. RISK. freedom. completion. pride. contentment.
of course each one is different, but i go through this myriad of emotions and at the end of the day, my heart longs to be on the stage and my pursuit of this art form ALWAYS delivers results that prove to me this theory.

stop putting your heart under so much pressure!!
it's just trying to help!
it's only trying to LIVE the life you so deserve to live; one that is open and free and full of only wants to be the heart it was meant to wants to be authentic.
and it is you.

sometimes it's gotta hurt, so just let it hurt.
let yourself feel pain because at the end of the day, if it has come about because you took a chance following the path you knew your heart wanted you to take, you should feel proud and satisfied that you are present in your own life.

if, however, pain occurs because you are denying yourself of something you want, take the risk. dive in and do everything in your power to have it. otherwise, you will be saying, "i wonder what could have happened..." at some point. and maybe it won't be worth the wonder.
[this feat is indeed the more challenging one. emotionally strenuous. makes the heart hurt just to think about it.]

do not hide.
do not be afraid.
take accountability for your own life.
we reap that which we sow.