Thursday, February 27, 2014

perfectionism is definitely a thing

the more years i experience, the more i understand that failure makes us who we are.
risks are a necessity because the beauty comes right after the risk.
i accept mistakes a little bit better with each day or each event. because there aren't really mistakes.

i have been examining some topics as they relate to me in a few departments, namely:
1 self worth
2 perfectionism
3 being enough 
4 gratitude

they are all tied together and here is what i have discovered:
1 i am wonderful. i am capable of anything. seriously. anything. i'm unstoppable!! and that is a powerful feeling. i am empowered, i am positive, i am passionate, and i am artistic.  i am WORTHY of all the good things, i am worthy of true love and acceptance and i will not search or beg for it. i will give it truthfully because i am worth it.  
2 we are all perfectionists in some areas. there are some things we just want to be perfect. for me, it's work. i am hardest on myself there because i expect myself to succeed. in fact, i expect success at whatever i set my mind to. 
i am slowly but surely accepting the challenge to not be perfect, or rather, to not pressure myself to be something i will never be. i usually don't wear makeup on my days off. i forget things, i slip up, and i say things i wish i had thought twice about. and i'm okay and i'm human not in spite of these things but because of them.
3 i am enough. not sometimes, not on the weekends, not at whole foods, not in my subaru or when traveling. i just AM. all the time. you all are too, any of you who happen to be reading. we are all enough and wonderful and offering so much to this little world. it's those vulnerable moments, the ones that make us shake and cry and want to hide...those are the ones that leave us cracked and full of doubt. but those are the most beautiful moments. they give us the ability to let the light back in, to see the joy and wonder of things. i come back to the word, i come back to "enough." that is a heavy yet enlightened word. 
4 gratitude is a practice. it's not just on thanksgiving. to actually remember and realize, to be mindful and vocal, or at least slightly aware, of the things we are grateful for is hard sometimes. it's a struggle. when i am flying on an airplane, do i think about how annoying the person next to me is and how i can't believe how rude she just was....or do i think about this miraculous machine that's taking me to california in less than 2 hours? i mean, i am flying
it's not about constantly being grateful and happy and positive, because that is not realistic; that's not life. life is feeling it all, and knowing it is all part of you. life is feeling and listening to your heart but then being grateful and honest enough to express what it has to say. gratitude is about sharing truth. with yourself, with others, with the world.

who do you love?
last night, did you go to bed wishing you'd said something yesterday?

and will you say it today, knowing that even if it hurts, it was worth it?

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

tell him to find me

hello, stranger.
i wish i had time to tell you a story.
it's one of those ones that you
and immediately wish it happened to you.
a whirlwind type thing.
i think you'd like my story.

if you see my guy walking around 
(the one from the story) could you please
tell him i love him?
and that it's all just here,
the love, i mean.
just inside me,
slowly leaking out, though,
into other places that deserve it.
additional places.
because it's not all about him.
i love a lot of people and 
i do love myself.

hello again!
could you remind me?
did i ever tell you 
what it felt like
when i kissed him the first time?
it's so cheesy.
it felt like
i never knew what kissing really was.
did i tell you what he said after?

he didn't say anything. 
we kinda just stared and he 
tried to catch his breath.

stranger, hey. 
i know i told you about
the time
he held my hand
as i told him something about me
few have ever heard.
and he kissed my finger tips
and felt the details of my hand 
while i cried.
and then he said, 
"it's okay. you're okay.
i'm so happy you told me."

hello, stranger. 
could you would you
read my mind?
i'm having a hard time understanding it;
my heart keeps getting in the way.
do you speak the language?

hello there.
if you come across my guy...
could you please let him know that
for my own good,
for my sanity,
for my spirit,
because anything one-sided just sucks
and is truly unfair,
because this hurts too much to keep feeling...
because i deserve to live my life...
could you please tell him that

i am letting him go?

that i have stopped 
hanging on to the empty hope 
that he will someday return?
which is not to say that i wouldn't
open my arms to him,
which is not to say that i wouldn't
run to him so fast if
suddenly he was there, just out of the blue.
if i heard him call my name,
i would be paralyzed.
i mean, i would
say nothing 
because let's be real, just to see him again
would catalyze tears, not words.
i would be overjoyed,
stunned into silence,
but that's just
if i ever did see his face one more time.
i would run, i totally would.
but i can't wait right now.
i deserve better.
time just keeps passing.
and this is my time.
he will understand.

are you still there?
i get that you don't understand it 
and all that i have done
just trust me.

there is a better you, always.
fierce and brave.
just waiting,
right around the corner
for the reveal.

see you soon, stranger.