Saturday, June 2, 2012

so if you don't like swearing maybe don't read this. also, here's a real warning: you might not understand this unless you are a fan of Faulkner.

there's so much i need to get out that it feels impossible to type fast enough or accurately enough to help my brain make sense on the screen. so fuck capitalization and proper punctuation unless i feel like going back and editing this at some point. I'VE BEEN PROPERLY CAPITALIZING AND PUNCTUATING MY PAPERS, LIFE, AND ALLLLL THAT COMES WITH IT FOR FOUR YEARS NOW. so...this will be what they call...i believe the proper term is "cluster-fuck," in the scholastic vernacular.

i am so conflicted. i am so conflicted.

i am so happy. i am so hopeful. i am so excited. i am joyous!! i am so scared. this journey is ending and every ending is a new beginning and i understand that but what do we do...what do humans do when they are scared of what-the-fuck-ever?

we run. we run. i run.
             i stopped running.
                            running feels okay right now.
                            stagnant feels scary.

this wasn't just four years of my life, they were the four years that have allowed me to absolutely and completely transform into a person i am proud to be.

i confront fear, i do not let worries and doubts live within me. this is my time. i embrace aching as much as i embrace the light in my life.
 but what do i do without this place?
"something beautiful about you ali is that you do not allow doubt to rule your life. i have NO doubt in my heart that you were created to perform."
kind words from someone near and dear to my heart.

this is my reality: let me take a moment to TRY to actually explain: all i have known for 4's just hanging here.
IT'S LIKE THIS: it's like when you are sitting somewhere, doing whatever. you're in your room. you're maybe writing or just zoning out or whatever, and suddenly you notice there is a blurry spot in your vision. your head shakes a little, you look at the fuzzy spot and you refocus and it's a spider, just hanging there on his or her sturdy silk rope. it's literally inches from your face and just waiting. who knows how long it has been there, but it is, and it's presence is probably alarming, unless you're that sick fuck who likes spiders.

that's what has happened to me in the last day. my reality is the spider and i am me, writing in my journal, living on stage or outside in nature. sitting here innocently while this THING this weird, semi-invisible THING just hangs in the balance. the spider is change.

and it's all coming into focus now.

the challenge for any human being, when that spider comes into focus, is to stay calm. the general gut instinct is a deflective reaction derived from fear-- I swat the spider away or grab two shoes and smash it between rubber soles.

let it be.
let it be.
let it be.
let it be.

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