Sunday, September 9, 2012

confession? discovery?

i have this fear that people will leave.
i'm discovering this, anyway.

i am occasionally afraid if i do or say certain things people will not love me as much. and leave or slowly fade.
not simple things. just if an argument happens or certain situations cause damage.
i feel afraid that if it's too much, they'll walk away.
i feel afraid that no one will fight to stay in it. with me.
i don't think i edit what i say or do based on this, but i think the fear lives in me.
it rears its ugly head when i feel threatened.

how silly, what a silly thing to even think about.

this is big for me, the fact that i'm revealing this in any way, especially on a public forum. it's hard to admit to your fears and insecurities.
this is a big one.
not that it takes over my life or anything, but it's big because it's unsettling.

what's weird is that my whole life so far, (or maybe in the last few years i've come to truly understand and accept this) i've just thought, "the ones who are meant to be in my life will be. they're here for a reason. those who have gone have changed me or taught me something, and they have done their time."
and i still believe that's the truth.

maybe i'm just in such a transition of my life right now...things don't make sense because nothing is permanent.

is it true? will the true friends and true relationships and connections just stay or at least come back, despite arguments and misunderstandings and time passing and distance growing?

i love these people and i want them to be here.
but i know i can't control it.
so...i'm just going to trust in the love.

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