Wednesday, September 5, 2012

so i walked out of an audition last night and i just felt like sharing this with the world and myself, because i was HIGH on my craft and i think it's because i'm in touch with my heart right now.

this isn't about happiness. this is about life.

in this life, nothing feels better than following your heart. truly listening to what the heart wants and acting on it will result in a form of contentment. i'm convinced.
i've tested this. i mean sure, i'm pretty young and i gotta lot to learn but i have felt unadulterated joy in this life. and at the root of it all, at the root of our desires and the muscle that keeps our blood pumping.

it just knows.
it just knows what you want and where you want to go. who you want to be.
obviously it is connected to the brain, to the body, but in the heart is where the magic happens.

i think the heart is often stifled by the same soul it speaks to.
expectations get in the way, or shame, or guilt, or some other emotion or inner conflict we suffer from all too often, considering how fragile and precious our time is on this rock.
what's the point of all those things?
we feel our heart do something new and we recognize it, that shift, and occasionally we say, "no, stop that. you shouldn't feel like that. no. no. what are you trying to do, destroy me?"

because, well, it could.
because not everything works out.
because letting yourself go to that place of "I AM HERE, OPEN, AND WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES" is scary.
no, it's terrifying.

BUT. what if instead, we opened up more when we felt that ground shaking under our feet, knocking us off balance?
what if we recognized that our hearts are trying to expand, open, and become vulnerable in order to give us unexpected joy?

for me, an audition goes something like this:
fear. paranoia. panic. confidence. expression. RISK. freedom. completion. pride. contentment.
of course each one is different, but i go through this myriad of emotions and at the end of the day, my heart longs to be on the stage and my pursuit of this art form ALWAYS delivers results that prove to me this theory.

stop putting your heart under so much pressure!!
it's just trying to help!
it's only trying to LIVE the life you so deserve to live; one that is open and free and full of only wants to be the heart it was meant to wants to be authentic.
and it is you.

sometimes it's gotta hurt, so just let it hurt.
let yourself feel pain because at the end of the day, if it has come about because you took a chance following the path you knew your heart wanted you to take, you should feel proud and satisfied that you are present in your own life.

if, however, pain occurs because you are denying yourself of something you want, take the risk. dive in and do everything in your power to have it. otherwise, you will be saying, "i wonder what could have happened..." at some point. and maybe it won't be worth the wonder.
[this feat is indeed the more challenging one. emotionally strenuous. makes the heart hurt just to think about it.]

do not hide.
do not be afraid.
take accountability for your own life.
we reap that which we sow.

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