Friday, October 11, 2013

warning...just real dark shit i guess.

sometimes i have experiences in life that just lock me away.
it's weird.
i guess i am not locked away. i guess they render me unable to react
or to express, rather, in a constructive way,
(because lawd knows i am expressing some shit on the reg)
what i am truly feeling about them.
my journal stays empty, i don't pick up the guitar, the blog doesn't change and really i put on this mask that everything is okay and then eat some chocolate or something to make myself feel like i'm
"dealing with shit."
sounds depressing...i know. and it is sad.

it's kind of a helpless feeling.
not as helpless as what i am with you. i am helpless because no one can change you but you.
not even me.
i looked into your
last week and you were just dead behind em.
god. i've never been so excited and then immediately broken hearted to see someone...
who i knew 4 weeks ago is not you now
there's 2 of you

and i accept that reality.
but i cry about it many nights.

my strong and funny and wonderful loving guy
is in there somewhere
but sometimes this cloud overtakes things,
and this bitch of a feeling becomes something you need to medicate

and i guess i knew that from the start
but really
there's nothing i could have done to prepare for this.

because all of that "life is about getting out and dancing in the rain" shit
is easy to swallow when it's watermarked over
a photo of a girl with nothing wrong, umbrella in her hand..
but life is actually about going along, just as you usually do,
and then having to dry your fucking clothes after you've gotten caught unprepared in a cold flash storm that really soaks you to the bones

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