Monday, January 5, 2015

just gonna talk

i swear to god, being a REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC person is as hard as fuck to accomplish these days.

it's like everywhere i go i'm putting on some stupid
to please whoever the hell is standing in front of me..

at work
in the theatre
on the street!
with my family
with my friends

and it's like i'm getting to the point where
i don't even know how to tell where the mask ends
and the real me begins.

[so cliché]

you hope that at least
you can always be the one person who will recognize
in the mirror.

so what happens when you can't?

i'll tell you what happens---nothing.
nobody gives a shit

and some people actually prefer it

because any kind of vulnerability
or difference or actual feelings about
actual things
makes them feel like they have to be real too
and real is really scary sometimes,
i'll admit.

but scary and real are where all the good stuff is born.

i'll tell you one thing,
i'm not going to write some fake "happy new year!" post
just because i'm supposed to be happy and it's the new year.
i AM happy that it's the new year but
jan 1 is just like any other day!
jesus, they're all the same! time is a man-made construction (i know i sound like an asshole when i say that);
we only know what year it is because someone decided to start counting how many times the sun came up.

it will come up every day.

i will write what i feel because
i CAN and i believe it's better to at least be genuine

maybe this was too much too soon
maybe the move i'm trying to make is not the right one
but it might be?

i'm always just sitting here, expecting something to change when i make these bold moves; expecting that because i am taking control and going after what i want, i will finally understand

but that's just not a fucking thing.
not today.

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