i'm not perfect.


so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
anymore.
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.


sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
talk
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.


sometimes, right when i think
life
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.


sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know
you
discover
you

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.



sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
expectations.
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.


sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.


sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.


so,
like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
true.
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
because
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.


i wanna be better.

just gonna talk

i swear to god, being a REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC person is as hard as fuck to accomplish these days.

it's like everywhere i go i'm putting on some stupid
façade
to please whoever the hell is standing in front of me..

at work
in the theatre
on the street!
with my family
with my friends

and it's like i'm getting to the point where
i don't even know how to tell where the mask ends
and the real me begins.

[so cliché]

you hope that at least
you can always be the one person who will recognize
yourself
in the mirror.

so what happens when you can't?

i'll tell you what happens---nothing.
nobody gives a shit

and some people actually prefer it

because any kind of vulnerability
or difference or actual feelings about
actual things
makes them feel like they have to be real too
and real is really scary sometimes,
i'll admit.

but scary and real are where all the good stuff is born.




i'll tell you one thing,
i'm not going to write some fake "happy new year!" post
just because i'm supposed to be happy and it's the new year.
i AM happy that it's the new year but
jan 1 is just like any other day!
jesus, they're all the same! time is a man-made construction (i know i sound like an asshole when i say that);
we only know what year it is because someone decided to start counting how many times the sun came up.

it will come up every day.

anyway
i will write what i feel because
i CAN and i believe it's better to at least be genuine
here.

maybe this was too much too soon
maybe the move i'm trying to make is not the right one
but it might be?

i'm always just sitting here, expecting something to change when i make these bold moves; expecting that because i am taking control and going after what i want, i will finally understand
WHO I AM.



but that's just not a fucking thing.
not today.

life and death 6/15/2014

nobody likes to talk about death.
i know that now.
no one likes to talk about it because it's "uncomfortable" and "hard."
but death is one of the only consistencies in this life.
maybe we should all get used to talking about it...
when we need to.
when we need each other.


i find that i am incredibly cynical.
mostly.
should someone my age have such a bleak view of the world?
it comes in waves.

loss of a loved one,
rushes in the sadness
and reminds me that everything ends
but also reminds me that life is short.
rushes out the gratitude.

I don't know, there's no one who can really say i "should" or "shouldn't" be, say, think, or do anything.

"life is short" is my new mantra;.
i feel like everything i once knew is all jacked up and in little pieces and floating above me in a mess
like in willy wonka
a million little pieces above my head.

when Casey died, i pictured his body lying there,
lifeless. nothing in him.
it was all i could see for a time which felt like the longest time.
i have never believed in a true "spirit/body" connection and disconnection
or at least i felt like spirits floating around with no bodies were pointless...
because what could they do without a vehicle....?

but i couldn't get over this
creepy revelation
that his body was here on this earth..and HE was no where to be found.
CASEY was gone.
the body..here. the body...nothing without CASEY....whatever that means.

no idea.
I have no idea what to think of that.

the morning after he passed, the most beautiful sunrise i had ever seen came over the rockies
and that night,
the sunset was unrivaled by any that came before,



and i saw Casey there.
he was there, in the sky.........and i swear he was talking to me.

that morning i smiled for the last time that day.
that night i cried again...again, and not the last time for him.


the day after his funeral service
i saw a rainbow stretching all the way from A to B and
you could've missed it if you hadn't looked outside in just the right place in just the right moment of time.

but i saw it.
and i felt him there.
and i felt him all around me saying
"it won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. because i am still here."

it's just about time i finish writing about you

but there's just a few more things..


i still remember our last kiss.
or at least, the last one i remember
is stuck in my mind.

i wouldn't kiss you after i picked you up
off
the streets
later in the month
because it felt like
self-betrayal.

it was before that.
the last one, i mean.


we were laying on your bed and you were so tired
you just kept passing out
and i was so confused...
i just didn't know why,
it was your day off
so
shouldn't you be rested?
but you were so tired.
a lot, at that time.
and i was just as naïve as you were tired.
and i was coming off a bad day.
i mean,
it was a rough one.
but after some random episode of modern family
(and you barely laughed, it was so weird)
you shut the laptop and turned away and said
"night"
just like that.
no kiss, no nothing.
double negatives all over the place.

so i turned over and i was annoyed.
but i couldn't just say it. i was locked up and couldn't just say "WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? THIS IS MESSED UP AND I CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO ACT??"
because i wasn't confident around you anymore.
my doubt was creeping in.
i huffed and puffed and tried to sleep until i was in
the middle
of some sigh and you cut me off with a--"WHAT?"
sharp and sour.
not like you.
it's cliché but really, it felt like a slap in the face, that tone.
i never want to hear you do that again.

and i was so taken off guard,
my body got hot and i felt ashamed but fired up and i said
"nothing! god, i just had a bad day and you're acting weird
and why
am i even here?"

you said, "well---look---"
i felt you turning and i thought, 'we'll talk and cuddle and kiss and
this is normal.'
and you reached out
found my face with your left palm,
turned my head and tried...
well, you
kissed me
but missed me
so it was a halfway kiss and you said "i'm sorry. okay??"

and you turned back around.
as if it was okay.

3 minutes later you were in deep sleep.
i lay there,
looking in so i could try to see the color in my own eyes
and then i was
finding the shadows from the blinds curve from the ceiling to the wall,
and i just wanted to leave.
i just wanted to leave
i just needed to leave
and i stayed.

truthfully,
i still don't know why i stayed with you that night.

but it was the last time i saw you, really,
because it all became too much for you to cover up.
i saw you when you weren't in there anymore.
which is fucking scary.


so really...that was the last one.
and that was the most tragic kiss we ever had.

perfectionism is definitely a thing

the more years i experience, the more i understand that failure makes us who we are.

risks are a necessity because the beauty comes right after the risk.

i accept mistakes a little bit better with each day or each event. because there aren't really mistakes.

i have been examining some topics as they relate to me in a few departments, namely:

1 self worth

2 perfectionism

3 being enough 

4 gratitude

they are all tied together and here is what i have discovered:

1 i am wonderful. i am capable of anything. seriously. anything. i'm unstoppable!! and that is a powerful feeling. i am empowered, i am positive, i am passionate, and i am artistic.  i am WORTHY of all the good things, i am worthy of true love and acceptance and i will not search or beg for it. i will give it truthfully because i am worth it.  

2 we are all perfectionists in some areas. there are some things we just want to be perfect. for me, it's work. i am hardest on myself there because i expect myself to succeed. in fact, i expect success at whatever i set my mind to. 

i am slowly but surely accepting the challenge to not be perfect, or rather, to not pressure myself to be something i will never be. i usually don't wear makeup on my days off. i forget things, i slip up, and i say things i wish i had thought twice about. and i'm okay and i'm human not in spite of these things but because of them.

3 i am enough. not sometimes, not on the weekends, not at whole foods, not in my subaru or when traveling. i just AM. all the time. you all are too, any of you who happen to be reading. we are all enough and wonderful and offering so much to this little world. it's those vulnerable moments, the ones that make us shake and cry and want to hide...those are the ones that leave us cracked and full of doubt. but those are the most beautiful moments. they give us the ability to let the light back in, to see the joy and wonder of things. i come back to the word, i come back to "enough." that is a heavy yet enlightened word. 

4 gratitude is a practice. it's not just on thanksgiving. to actually remember and realize, to be mindful and vocal, or at least slightly aware, of the things we are grateful for is hard sometimes. it's a struggle. when i am flying on an airplane, do i think about how annoying the person next to me is and how i can't believe how rude she just was....or do i think about this miraculous machine that's taking me to california in less than 2 hours? i mean, i am flying! 

it's not about constantly being grateful and happy and positive, because that is not realistic; that's not life. life is feeling it all, and knowing it is all part of you. life is feeling and listening to your heart but then being grateful and honest enough to express what it has to say. gratitude is about sharing truth. with yourself, with others, with the world.

who do you love?

last night, did you go to bed wishing you'd said something yesterday?

and will you say it today, knowing that even if it hurts, it was worth it?

tell him to find me

hello, stranger.

i wish i had time to tell you a story.

it's one of those ones that you

hear

and immediately wish it happened to you.

a whirlwind type thing.

i think you'd like my story.

hi,

if you see my guy walking around 

(the one from the story) could you please

tell him i love him?

and that it's all just here,
inside?

the love, i mean.

just inside me,
slowly leaking out, though,

into other places that deserve it.
additional places.

because it's not all about him.

i love a lot of people and 

i do love myself.

hello again!

could you remind me?

did i ever tell you 

what it felt like

when i kissed him the first time?
it's so cheesy.

it felt like
i never knew what kissing really was.

did i tell you what he said after?

he didn't say anything. 

we kinda just stared and he 

tried to catch his breath.

stranger, hey. 

i know i told you about

the time

he held my hand

as i told him something about me

few have ever heard.

and he kissed my finger tips

and felt the details of my hand 

while i cried.

and then he said, 

"it's okay. you're okay.
i'm so happy you told me."

hello, stranger. 

could you would you
read my mind?

i'm having a hard time understanding it;

my heart keeps getting in the way.

do you speak the language?

hello there.

if you come across my guy...

could you please let him know that

for my own good,

for my sanity,

for my spirit,

because anything one-sided just sucks
and is truly unfair,

because this hurts too much to keep feeling...

and 

because i deserve to live my life...

could you please tell him that

i am letting him go?

that i have stopped 

hanging on to the empty hope 

that he will someday return?

which is not to say that i wouldn't

open my arms to him,
still.
which is not to say that i wouldn't

run to him so fast if

suddenly he was there, just out of the blue.

if i heard him call my name,

i would be paralyzed.

i mean, i would

say nothing 

because let's be real, just to see him again

would catalyze tears, not words.

i would be overjoyed,

stunned into silence,

but that's just

if i ever did see his face one more time.

i would run, i totally would.
but i can't wait right now.
i deserve better.
time just keeps passing.
and this is my time.
he will understand.

hello?

are you still there?

i get that you don't understand it 

and all that i have done

but

just trust me.

there is a better you, always.
fierce and brave.

just waiting,
right around the corner
for the reveal.

see you soon, stranger.

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.

so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."

prologue

sometimes, it's like i'm two people.

part 1
i just wanna lounge around and
write all day
read great books and
learn how to play the guitar. more.
i want to wake up when i want,
usually early,
go on a hike,
or maybe a run,
and start my day off the way i see fit.
i want to have time to make beautiful meals.
see a movie by myself.
i want to just stay here, my home, and
enjoy
the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me
in all directions.
to explore it.
i want to love and wander with
my friends
my family of choice
and go to our favorite restaurant for dinner and beer.
i want to
find new lovers
and cuddle with them
maybe
but definitely
kiss them because
i like to kiss.
and we will talk about
the ways of the world..
because i won't really know the ways of the world.
but i will know the ways of mine.
and i want it to be so because
i choose it.



part 2
i want to pack up and go.
let me be free
money
can't beat me
i just wanna fly away from here,
bounding overseas to new places
new beautiful things are left unseen
but not anymore
not in part 2 me.
i want to eat and drink and adventure and live
like they do
who? you ask.
whoever. all of them.
broadway is out there
waiting for me to be there
and i want to be there.
i heard the eiffel tower is beautiful in may.
i want to learn about wine and pasta from the italians
(even though i hate wine)
because it just seems right.
i want to be in the midst of it all,
those gems few plan to see, and even fewer
stumble upon.
there's no plan other than
change.
i want to climb over unfamiliar mountains...
never putting down roots in them.
take a plane, train, automobile to
wherever i see fit.
and run there
walk there
love there
live there
become me there
and everywhere.
see
the ways of the world
and become them.

they're in the strange places

"as for the questions that you are asking yourself and others: don't concern yourself with death. immerse yourself in life. enjoy every moment that you're allowed to but keep asking questions. my dear friend. don't ever stop asking questions. 

also, bear no malice for the ones who leave you. the only regret they feel now is the regret of not being able to tell you how they really feel. they wish that they could say goodbye to the ones they left behind. but sometimes that's not possible."
-bert v. royal

[plays answer my questions. sometimes the exact right answer and words fall into my hands right when i need them. i may have known this all along, somewhere underneath the insecurity, business, and wobbly legs of life. still, it's a serendipitous feeling to be reassured by the words of a work you just so happen to be a part of.]


"yeah, but..." is pernicious. because it makes it sounds like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should. it allows us to be cowards while sounding noble. most people i know who waited to travel the world never did. conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things -- eventually. be careful of the "yeah...but." 

so young person, travel. travel wide and far. travel boldly. travel with full abandon. you will regret few risks you take when it comes to this. i promise you that.
-jeff goins

[and then maybe sometimes i'm just trolling the facebook for a break from my lines in said play and i happen to read a little article that contains a couple of gems that i didn't know i needed to hear. some answers to questions i knew i had, but was afraid to ask. i need to do this for myself. i need to get out of this place in order to find where and who i am supposed to be. it's all about fear.]

we don't have a map.

i think these are the times that make us who we are
me who i am


the times when we're challenged and
things are changing
and maybe things are about to be tough.
just gotta bite my tongue and swallow my pride and work through
what i know is coming.

i just want to cry and sure, i have.
well, i am right now.
i feel sad and it's just not fair.

but the other, overpowering thing is this:
i'm just grateful.
i'm happy and excited for this bend in the road.
for you and for me.
for those lucky people who get to know your presence now
for those individuals who haven't yet known the joy of working with someone as
passionate
dedicated
funny
smart
talented
caring
driven
and COMpassionate
as you.

my best friend.


i felt you walk out those doors tonight but i'll tell you what,
you wouldn't be here at all if you'd never walked out the doors at your last gig.
so i'm grateful.


i'm excited to see how you will transform that environment.
and i know you will.
and maybe when you do, you'll be able to look around and see that
you have impact wherever you go.
people love you wherever you go.
i hope you see that.
i wish more than anything else for you to see that.


i am so grateful
for you and what you've taught me
about myself
about my work
about how we can change the lives of others with the smallest of actions


i am so grateful for this labyrinth of life.
you're right.
it's all got to be celebrated, the goods, the bads, the ups and the downs.


miss you.
see you tomorrow.
:)

nice to see you

flip flop/back forth/down town/square round/over again

that's just what it is lately.


[and let me just throw in the sidenote now: just because i'm struggling, that i do struggle in the present moment or that i have struggled once upon a time, doesn't mean i'm ungrateful or negative or angry. i'm just as grateful for the darkness as i am for the light. just as understanding of sorrow as i am of joy.]


as i sit at a stop light, alarmed at the sudden spot of neon red, my eyes flicker away. flash/side/turn.

there's this man. gray hair. business guy, i can tell by the plain suit. he's the type that makes you wonder if he really wanted to do this all along. or was it just what was expected? and you'll never know the answer. and we don't really need to know. yes, now we're a we because i've invited you into my room. i watch him struggle with the gas machine. he can't figure out where to put the card. he's pushing buttons. it's 10 degrees outside. more buttons. no jacket. frustration. rubbing his hand over his bald spot. the gas tank is already open for god's sakes!!!! where is the right button??
 and this man doesn't know i'm watching him. i'm suddenly this voyeur observing the little things that make this life feel more human and less intimidating.
the cold
the suit
the stare
the gas tank
this experience
and i find myself wondering
light turns green
what if we all just had these little moments all the time [because we do]
and what if we all just sat in the rafters and silently observed them?
took these things in behind panes of glass?

because as this man fills his gas tank i hear the noises that go along with it. beep beep beep scoff SNAP click CHUG chug chug chug chug chug i substitute the silence for sounds in my own brain. for a moment, i'm right there with this guy.
i feel ya, dude. i totally get it.

and we've never even met.
and i don't really care if i ever do. especially because the guy is just trying to fill his gas tank, it's not like he's in a corner singing a beautiful song and i'm dying to walk over there and harmonize.


but  anyway

i could do that all the time if i wanted. with actual events. you know what i mean?
i could be a constant spectator without ever jumping in to fight.

the gas man example is strange and unfiltered, i know, but
here's the thing i realize:
when i observe but do not connect, when i am aware but not participating, a little piece of myself is reaching. perpetually straining.
dying to make contact with that other little piece of someone else.
and when i don't listen to such an urge, when i walk away with that it unfulfilled, i feel immediate loss.

and i don't think i like that feeling.