i'm not perfect.


so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
anymore.
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.


sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
talk
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.


sometimes, right when i think
life
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.


sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know
you
discover
you

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.



sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
expectations.
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.


sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.


sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.


so,
like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
true.
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
because
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.


i wanna be better.

just gonna talk

i swear to god, being a REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC person is as hard as fuck to accomplish these days.

it's like everywhere i go i'm putting on some stupid
façade
to please whoever the hell is standing in front of me..

at work
in the theatre
on the street!
with my family
with my friends

and it's like i'm getting to the point where
i don't even know how to tell where the mask ends
and the real me begins.

[so cliché]

you hope that at least
you can always be the one person who will recognize
yourself
in the mirror.

so what happens when you can't?

i'll tell you what happens---nothing.
nobody gives a shit

and some people actually prefer it

because any kind of vulnerability
or difference or actual feelings about
actual things
makes them feel like they have to be real too
and real is really scary sometimes,
i'll admit.

but scary and real are where all the good stuff is born.




i'll tell you one thing,
i'm not going to write some fake "happy new year!" post
just because i'm supposed to be happy and it's the new year.
i AM happy that it's the new year but
jan 1 is just like any other day!
jesus, they're all the same! time is a man-made construction (i know i sound like an asshole when i say that);
we only know what year it is because someone decided to start counting how many times the sun came up.

it will come up every day.

anyway
i will write what i feel because
i CAN and i believe it's better to at least be genuine
here.

maybe this was too much too soon
maybe the move i'm trying to make is not the right one
but it might be?

i'm always just sitting here, expecting something to change when i make these bold moves; expecting that because i am taking control and going after what i want, i will finally understand
WHO I AM.



but that's just not a fucking thing.
not today.

life and death 6/15/2014

nobody likes to talk about death.
i know that now.
no one likes to talk about it because it's "uncomfortable" and "hard."
but death is one of the only consistencies in this life.
maybe we should all get used to talking about it...
when we need to.
when we need each other.


i find that i am incredibly cynical.
mostly.
should someone my age have such a bleak view of the world?
it comes in waves.

loss of a loved one,
rushes in the sadness
and reminds me that everything ends
but also reminds me that life is short.
rushes out the gratitude.

I don't know, there's no one who can really say i "should" or "shouldn't" be, say, think, or do anything.

"life is short" is my new mantra;.
i feel like everything i once knew is all jacked up and in little pieces and floating above me in a mess
like in willy wonka
a million little pieces above my head.

when Casey died, i pictured his body lying there,
lifeless. nothing in him.
it was all i could see for a time which felt like the longest time.
i have never believed in a true "spirit/body" connection and disconnection
or at least i felt like spirits floating around with no bodies were pointless...
because what could they do without a vehicle....?

but i couldn't get over this
creepy revelation
that his body was here on this earth..and HE was no where to be found.
CASEY was gone.
the body..here. the body...nothing without CASEY....whatever that means.

no idea.
I have no idea what to think of that.

the morning after he passed, the most beautiful sunrise i had ever seen came over the rockies
and that night,
the sunset was unrivaled by any that came before,



and i saw Casey there.
he was there, in the sky.........and i swear he was talking to me.

that morning i smiled for the last time that day.
that night i cried again...again, and not the last time for him.


the day after his funeral service
i saw a rainbow stretching all the way from A to B and
you could've missed it if you hadn't looked outside in just the right place in just the right moment of time.

but i saw it.
and i felt him there.
and i felt him all around me saying
"it won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. because i am still here."

perfectionism is definitely a thing

the more years i experience, the more i understand that failure makes us who we are.

risks are a necessity because the beauty comes right after the risk.

i accept mistakes a little bit better with each day or each event. because there aren't really mistakes.

i have been examining some topics as they relate to me in a few departments, namely:

1 self worth

2 perfectionism

3 being enough 

4 gratitude

they are all tied together and here is what i have discovered:

1 i am wonderful. i am capable of anything. seriously. anything. i'm unstoppable!! and that is a powerful feeling. i am empowered, i am positive, i am passionate, and i am artistic.  i am WORTHY of all the good things, i am worthy of true love and acceptance and i will not search or beg for it. i will give it truthfully because i am worth it.  

2 we are all perfectionists in some areas. there are some things we just want to be perfect. for me, it's work. i am hardest on myself there because i expect myself to succeed. in fact, i expect success at whatever i set my mind to. 

i am slowly but surely accepting the challenge to not be perfect, or rather, to not pressure myself to be something i will never be. i usually don't wear makeup on my days off. i forget things, i slip up, and i say things i wish i had thought twice about. and i'm okay and i'm human not in spite of these things but because of them.

3 i am enough. not sometimes, not on the weekends, not at whole foods, not in my subaru or when traveling. i just AM. all the time. you all are too, any of you who happen to be reading. we are all enough and wonderful and offering so much to this little world. it's those vulnerable moments, the ones that make us shake and cry and want to hide...those are the ones that leave us cracked and full of doubt. but those are the most beautiful moments. they give us the ability to let the light back in, to see the joy and wonder of things. i come back to the word, i come back to "enough." that is a heavy yet enlightened word. 

4 gratitude is a practice. it's not just on thanksgiving. to actually remember and realize, to be mindful and vocal, or at least slightly aware, of the things we are grateful for is hard sometimes. it's a struggle. when i am flying on an airplane, do i think about how annoying the person next to me is and how i can't believe how rude she just was....or do i think about this miraculous machine that's taking me to california in less than 2 hours? i mean, i am flying! 

it's not about constantly being grateful and happy and positive, because that is not realistic; that's not life. life is feeling it all, and knowing it is all part of you. life is feeling and listening to your heart but then being grateful and honest enough to express what it has to say. gratitude is about sharing truth. with yourself, with others, with the world.

who do you love?

last night, did you go to bed wishing you'd said something yesterday?

and will you say it today, knowing that even if it hurts, it was worth it?

tell him to find me

hello, stranger.

i wish i had time to tell you a story.

it's one of those ones that you

hear

and immediately wish it happened to you.

a whirlwind type thing.

i think you'd like my story.

hi,

if you see my guy walking around 

(the one from the story) could you please

tell him i love him?

and that it's all just here,
inside?

the love, i mean.

just inside me,
slowly leaking out, though,

into other places that deserve it.
additional places.

because it's not all about him.

i love a lot of people and 

i do love myself.

hello again!

could you remind me?

did i ever tell you 

what it felt like

when i kissed him the first time?
it's so cheesy.

it felt like
i never knew what kissing really was.

did i tell you what he said after?

he didn't say anything. 

we kinda just stared and he 

tried to catch his breath.

stranger, hey. 

i know i told you about

the time

he held my hand

as i told him something about me

few have ever heard.

and he kissed my finger tips

and felt the details of my hand 

while i cried.

and then he said, 

"it's okay. you're okay.
i'm so happy you told me."

hello, stranger. 

could you would you
read my mind?

i'm having a hard time understanding it;

my heart keeps getting in the way.

do you speak the language?

hello there.

if you come across my guy...

could you please let him know that

for my own good,

for my sanity,

for my spirit,

because anything one-sided just sucks
and is truly unfair,

because this hurts too much to keep feeling...

and 

because i deserve to live my life...

could you please tell him that

i am letting him go?

that i have stopped 

hanging on to the empty hope 

that he will someday return?

which is not to say that i wouldn't

open my arms to him,
still.
which is not to say that i wouldn't

run to him so fast if

suddenly he was there, just out of the blue.

if i heard him call my name,

i would be paralyzed.

i mean, i would

say nothing 

because let's be real, just to see him again

would catalyze tears, not words.

i would be overjoyed,

stunned into silence,

but that's just

if i ever did see his face one more time.

i would run, i totally would.
but i can't wait right now.
i deserve better.
time just keeps passing.
and this is my time.
he will understand.

hello?

are you still there?

i get that you don't understand it 

and all that i have done

but

just trust me.

there is a better you, always.
fierce and brave.

just waiting,
right around the corner
for the reveal.

see you soon, stranger.

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.

so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."