Tuesday, February 23, 2016

i'm not perfect.

so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.

sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.

sometimes, right when i think
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.

sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.

sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.

sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.

sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.

like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.

i wanna be better.

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