so there's that

i miss you and
i hate that.



i have
all these words
inside
that i
never
got to say and
i resent that.



i think
about you
sometimes and truly
do not understand
what happened
to us
to that thing
we were doing
and
i feel weird
about that.



i drive by
lucky 13
where we first went out
and i loved
being there
with you
and now
i see that patio and
i just see you,
it's ruined
and damn
that was a good burger so
i'm mad about that.



i saw a picture
of your baby
your boy
starting school
and i thought
"that little prince"
and
"dad must be aching today,
his baby is
growing up"
but i can't
reach out to you and
i'm just sad about that.



your kisses
linger
so there's that.



i can't believe
you act like
this was one sided
or that
i cared less
until you cared less,
because to me,
this was even and
this is life
not mathematics
or science
or fucking
power plays and
i am a human being
not a superhero and
i hate to admit that.




i ask myself
"why do you care?"
"why do you even care?"
and i always expect
to talk myself out of it
but i don't,
instead,
i am at a stop sign
and then
i hear myself say
"because i am who i am,
and i
can't change that."

i guess i'm just 23 going on 24

well i guess i'm still naÏve.

still a girl trying to just
figure
shit
out.
and i've given myself that permission;
i officially am OKAY WITH THAT.
no one is ever 100%.



isn't life strange? people change, feelings and emotions come and go, and sure, we can't always know what we want or how long we'll want it.
but among all that change and back-and-forth...communication and honesty and respect stick around. they fuel our ability to stay genuine in relationships.

in my opinion.
keep it real, yo.




all i need is a little honesty.
alright, a lot.

when i tell you how i feel, i am not a bitch, i am not crazy, and i'm not making shit up.
vulnerability is a tricky thing because while being present with it on your side, (if you've trained yourself to somehow live in that place) you don't exactly feel it 

but 

when things turn sour that taste of vulnerability betrayed is the worst thing to have in your mouth
...
like the time i accidentally ate up all the shit that you fed to me.


but
was it actually shit?
i don't think so, not at the time, to be honest.
i think you meant those things.

i think you chose your words with an alarming specificity and 

you read chapters and chapters
about my zodiac and "the nature of cusp virgos"

just so you could understand 

which body parts to touch

first.
and at first i was like..."whoa..."
and then i was like..."wow..."

and i felt genuine that night on your roof

do you remember?

i made up my mind i was headed home away from you and your magnetic eyes

and then count 10 minutes later and i was on your roof.  

and when you asked,

"where did you come from?" there was a real wonder in your voice. 

i will never unfeel 

the way you looked at me.

there was no way your eyes were lying
because i saw it in them. it. that thing. you can just feel it, you just know.



it's other people telling me that i got played
others telling me not to trust and to doubt
and to constantly question whether he was real
because it's impossible that i found someone
who was actually THIS good and THIS real and THIS unexpected.

he's not perfect and there were flaws but i'm not perfect either and isn't that what life is about? figuring it all out as you go along?



i don't wanna give in to others anymore
and let them define my reality





i choose, i decide.

driving through the desert

and all I can think is, "will i ever be able to leave this place for real?"