life and death 6/15/2014

nobody likes to talk about death.
i know that now.
no one likes to talk about it because it's "uncomfortable" and "hard."
but death is one of the only consistencies in this life.
maybe we should all get used to talking about it...
when we need to.
when we need each other.


i find that i am incredibly cynical.
mostly.
should someone my age have such a bleak view of the world?
it comes in waves.

loss of a loved one,
rushes in the sadness
and reminds me that everything ends
but also reminds me that life is short.
rushes out the gratitude.

I don't know, there's no one who can really say i "should" or "shouldn't" be, say, think, or do anything.

"life is short" is my new mantra;.
i feel like everything i once knew is all jacked up and in little pieces and floating above me in a mess
like in willy wonka
a million little pieces above my head.

when Casey died, i pictured his body lying there,
lifeless. nothing in him.
it was all i could see for a time which felt like the longest time.
i have never believed in a true "spirit/body" connection and disconnection
or at least i felt like spirits floating around with no bodies were pointless...
because what could they do without a vehicle....?

but i couldn't get over this
creepy revelation
that his body was here on this earth..and HE was no where to be found.
CASEY was gone.
the body..here. the body...nothing without CASEY....whatever that means.

no idea.
I have no idea what to think of that.

the morning after he passed, the most beautiful sunrise i had ever seen came over the rockies
and that night,
the sunset was unrivaled by any that came before,



and i saw Casey there.
he was there, in the sky.........and i swear he was talking to me.

that morning i smiled for the last time that day.
that night i cried again...again, and not the last time for him.


the day after his funeral service
i saw a rainbow stretching all the way from A to B and
you could've missed it if you hadn't looked outside in just the right place in just the right moment of time.

but i saw it.
and i felt him there.
and i felt him all around me saying
"it won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. because i am still here."

it's just about time i finish writing about you

but there's just a few more things..


i still remember our last kiss.
or at least, the last one i remember
is stuck in my mind.

i wouldn't kiss you after i picked you up
off
the streets
later in the month
because it felt like
self-betrayal.

it was before that.
the last one, i mean.


we were laying on your bed and you were so tired
you just kept passing out
and i was so confused...
i just didn't know why,
it was your day off
so
shouldn't you be rested?
but you were so tired.
a lot, at that time.
and i was just as naïve as you were tired.
and i was coming off a bad day.
i mean,
it was a rough one.
but after some random episode of modern family
(and you barely laughed, it was so weird)
you shut the laptop and turned away and said
"night"
just like that.
no kiss, no nothing.
double negatives all over the place.

so i turned over and i was annoyed.
but i couldn't just say it. i was locked up and couldn't just say "WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? THIS IS MESSED UP AND I CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO ACT??"
because i wasn't confident around you anymore.
my doubt was creeping in.
i huffed and puffed and tried to sleep until i was in
the middle
of some sigh and you cut me off with a--"WHAT?"
sharp and sour.
not like you.
it's cliché but really, it felt like a slap in the face, that tone.
i never want to hear you do that again.

and i was so taken off guard,
my body got hot and i felt ashamed but fired up and i said
"nothing! god, i just had a bad day and you're acting weird
and why
am i even here?"

you said, "well---look---"
i felt you turning and i thought, 'we'll talk and cuddle and kiss and
this is normal.'
and you reached out
found my face with your left palm,
turned my head and tried...
well, you
kissed me
but missed me
so it was a halfway kiss and you said "i'm sorry. okay??"

and you turned back around.
as if it was okay.

3 minutes later you were in deep sleep.
i lay there,
looking in so i could try to see the color in my own eyes
and then i was
finding the shadows from the blinds curve from the ceiling to the wall,
and i just wanted to leave.
i just wanted to leave
i just needed to leave
and i stayed.

truthfully,
i still don't know why i stayed with you that night.

but it was the last time i saw you, really,
because it all became too much for you to cover up.
i saw you when you weren't in there anymore.
which is fucking scary.


so really...that was the last one.
and that was the most tragic kiss we ever had.

perfectionism is definitely a thing

the more years i experience, the more i understand that failure makes us who we are.

risks are a necessity because the beauty comes right after the risk.

i accept mistakes a little bit better with each day or each event. because there aren't really mistakes.

i have been examining some topics as they relate to me in a few departments, namely:

1 self worth

2 perfectionism

3 being enough 

4 gratitude

they are all tied together and here is what i have discovered:

1 i am wonderful. i am capable of anything. seriously. anything. i'm unstoppable!! and that is a powerful feeling. i am empowered, i am positive, i am passionate, and i am artistic.  i am WORTHY of all the good things, i am worthy of true love and acceptance and i will not search or beg for it. i will give it truthfully because i am worth it.  

2 we are all perfectionists in some areas. there are some things we just want to be perfect. for me, it's work. i am hardest on myself there because i expect myself to succeed. in fact, i expect success at whatever i set my mind to. 

i am slowly but surely accepting the challenge to not be perfect, or rather, to not pressure myself to be something i will never be. i usually don't wear makeup on my days off. i forget things, i slip up, and i say things i wish i had thought twice about. and i'm okay and i'm human not in spite of these things but because of them.

3 i am enough. not sometimes, not on the weekends, not at whole foods, not in my subaru or when traveling. i just AM. all the time. you all are too, any of you who happen to be reading. we are all enough and wonderful and offering so much to this little world. it's those vulnerable moments, the ones that make us shake and cry and want to hide...those are the ones that leave us cracked and full of doubt. but those are the most beautiful moments. they give us the ability to let the light back in, to see the joy and wonder of things. i come back to the word, i come back to "enough." that is a heavy yet enlightened word. 

4 gratitude is a practice. it's not just on thanksgiving. to actually remember and realize, to be mindful and vocal, or at least slightly aware, of the things we are grateful for is hard sometimes. it's a struggle. when i am flying on an airplane, do i think about how annoying the person next to me is and how i can't believe how rude she just was....or do i think about this miraculous machine that's taking me to california in less than 2 hours? i mean, i am flying! 

it's not about constantly being grateful and happy and positive, because that is not realistic; that's not life. life is feeling it all, and knowing it is all part of you. life is feeling and listening to your heart but then being grateful and honest enough to express what it has to say. gratitude is about sharing truth. with yourself, with others, with the world.

who do you love?

last night, did you go to bed wishing you'd said something yesterday?

and will you say it today, knowing that even if it hurts, it was worth it?

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.