dear will,

i can't remember the last time i heard your voice.
and when i say that
i mean
YOUR voice
not your voice affected
                        infected.

i call you every single day.
i have never stopped calling.
it got hard when the voice said
"you have reached the voicemail inbox of.."
dead
and harder still when it turned to
"the number you are calling is not reachable."
gone


but i still try every day because
i imagine the day you pick up.
it will be the best day.


i hope you don't just call
i hope i can see your eyes again.

please, god or whatever is out there,
let me see his eyes again.

and i'm holding on to this hope that you will come back...
despite my better judgement
or the present moment
that says
"he blew in and out like the wind...
now let him go
like the wind lets go
of all it touches."

whiteknuckles
nothingbuthope
nochoice
andthatsjustme

everywhere i look,
i see you.
you know where to find me.

love,
ali

PS-no no...yeah...yeah no...i know.

sorry i'm sad outright but keeping it in is like quicksand for the heart

i've got a lot of love in me
a lot of light
we all do.
don't you see that?
just like...just like those stars up there.
it's black if not for them.
we're all made of the same stuff.
all the same stuff.

sometimes it's easy to feel lost in the waves...
radio
water
cellular
sound
micro
all these different types of waves
we're just kinda wading in all day and night.

but look up to those stars
and just know that
the light reflects in your eyes
because it's a part of you

it's already in there.

look down at the tide
and if a tear falls down
see it disappear like it belongs there
because water from within you
is water from anywhere else

look into someone's eyes
deep
and know that the blue in theirs is their own but yours at the same time
because that blue connects you two. the water. the light.

warning...just real dark shit i guess.

sometimes i have experiences in life that just lock me away.
it's weird.
i guess i am not locked away. i guess they render me unable to react
or to express, rather, in a constructive way,
(because lawd knows i am expressing some shit on the reg)
what i am truly feeling about them.
my journal stays empty, i don't pick up the guitar, the blog doesn't change and really i put on this mask that everything is okay and then eat some chocolate or something to make myself feel like i'm
"dealing with shit."
sounds depressing...i know. and it is sad.

it's kind of a helpless feeling.
not as helpless as what i am with you. i am helpless because no one can change you but you.
not even me.
i looked into your
eyes
last week and you were just dead behind em.
god. i've never been so excited and then immediately broken hearted to see someone...
who i knew 4 weeks ago is not you now
there's 2 of you


and i accept that reality.
but i cry about it many nights.

my strong and funny and wonderful loving guy
is in there somewhere
but sometimes this cloud overtakes things,
and this bitch of a feeling becomes something you need to medicate

and i guess i knew that from the start
but really
there's nothing i could have done to prepare for this.

because all of that "life is about getting out and dancing in the rain" shit
is easy to swallow when it's watermarked over
a photo of a girl with nothing wrong, umbrella in her hand..
but life is actually about going along, just as you usually do,
and then having to dry your fucking clothes after you've gotten caught unprepared in a cold flash storm that really soaks you to the bones