i'm not perfect.


so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
anymore.
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.


sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
talk
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.


sometimes, right when i think
life
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.


sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know
you
discover
you

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.



sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
expectations.
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.


sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.


sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.


so,
like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
true.
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
because
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.


i wanna be better.

it's just about time i finish writing about you

but there's just a few more things..


i still remember our last kiss.
or at least, the last one i remember
is stuck in my mind.

i wouldn't kiss you after i picked you up
off
the streets
later in the month
because it felt like
self-betrayal.

it was before that.
the last one, i mean.


we were laying on your bed and you were so tired
you just kept passing out
and i was so confused...
i just didn't know why,
it was your day off
so
shouldn't you be rested?
but you were so tired.
a lot, at that time.
and i was just as naïve as you were tired.
and i was coming off a bad day.
i mean,
it was a rough one.
but after some random episode of modern family
(and you barely laughed, it was so weird)
you shut the laptop and turned away and said
"night"
just like that.
no kiss, no nothing.
double negatives all over the place.

so i turned over and i was annoyed.
but i couldn't just say it. i was locked up and couldn't just say "WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? THIS IS MESSED UP AND I CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO ACT??"
because i wasn't confident around you anymore.
my doubt was creeping in.
i huffed and puffed and tried to sleep until i was in
the middle
of some sigh and you cut me off with a--"WHAT?"
sharp and sour.
not like you.
it's cliché but really, it felt like a slap in the face, that tone.
i never want to hear you do that again.

and i was so taken off guard,
my body got hot and i felt ashamed but fired up and i said
"nothing! god, i just had a bad day and you're acting weird
and why
am i even here?"

you said, "well---look---"
i felt you turning and i thought, 'we'll talk and cuddle and kiss and
this is normal.'
and you reached out
found my face with your left palm,
turned my head and tried...
well, you
kissed me
but missed me
so it was a halfway kiss and you said "i'm sorry. okay??"

and you turned back around.
as if it was okay.

3 minutes later you were in deep sleep.
i lay there,
looking in so i could try to see the color in my own eyes
and then i was
finding the shadows from the blinds curve from the ceiling to the wall,
and i just wanted to leave.
i just wanted to leave
i just needed to leave
and i stayed.

truthfully,
i still don't know why i stayed with you that night.

but it was the last time i saw you, really,
because it all became too much for you to cover up.
i saw you when you weren't in there anymore.
which is fucking scary.


so really...that was the last one.
and that was the most tragic kiss we ever had.