i'm not perfect.


so so so not perfect.
but knowing that makes me powerful.
knowing that helps me embrace the struggle, the growth
of all things.
there's things i used to want to change.
but i don't think i'll try to
change myself
anymore.
not for anyone but me.

i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
all the good parts, all the bad.


sometimes, when i'm mad or upset,
i just need to talk things out.
if a friend or whoever upsets me i need to just say
"HERE is how
you hurt me,
HERE is where it hurts."

and i know, i know,
sometimes that can be a lot for people.
a lot for the quiet types who don't need to
talk
about their feelings.

but i just need to get it out.
i just need to speak my peace and tell you
what's happening in my heart and
hope to meet you halfway
in yours.

and move on.

if you don't need to talk when you're
upset with me, that's ok
you just tell me "i need some space"
and i will respect that.
and i will check in.
i always check in if i know i hurt you.


sometimes, right when i think
life
has said "no" to something,
I stop trying to find it.
and it shows up.

and i don't know how
to navigate that.
not really.


sometimes, when i meet someone new,
i get really excited about them.
like...so excited about
who they are and
they just walked into MY life??
how lucky am i?
how cool are they?!

and then i get
so wrapped up in how cool they are and
we can just kick it and laugh
about whatever and
well, i just like meeting cool people!
so then,
i get stoked to spend time with them.
like i just want to hang out with them all the time and
get to know
you
discover
you

and that is a lot for some people.
i can't apologize for it, i won't,
because i am just STOKED to
learn why you are
who you are.
it comes off differently to some.
and they assume i'm weird.
or too much.

and that's ok,
because it's genuine appreciation.



sometimes, i don't even know how this happens but sometimes,
i get so paralyzed by the fear of
not knowing if i will live up
to my own
expectations.
i have made my parents proud.
i have made many people proud.
i want to make sure that
i am proud of me.

i just sit on my bed and i think,
"there's not enough time.
too many choices.
what is the right way?"
i'll never know but i ask the questions.


sometimes, on my darkest days,
i don't get out of bed
and feel guilty about it every minute.

even if i am reading a book.


sometimes, when i'm alone,
i talk to myself.
i have conversations
of all the things i wish i could have said
to him
to her
to whoever
because my bravery left me in the
actual moment
and i froze.
it sounds crazy
but i totally do that.
not always, just every now and then.


so,
like i said,
i'm not perfect.
these are some things about me
that tend to be
true.
i won't be who you want me to be--take me or leave me.
but chances are....
you'll change me just by being you.
because
the best parts of you
bring out the best parts in me.


i wanna be better.

life and death 6/15/2014

nobody likes to talk about death.
i know that now.
no one likes to talk about it because it's "uncomfortable" and "hard."
but death is one of the only consistencies in this life.
maybe we should all get used to talking about it...
when we need to.
when we need each other.


i find that i am incredibly cynical.
mostly.
should someone my age have such a bleak view of the world?
it comes in waves.

loss of a loved one,
rushes in the sadness
and reminds me that everything ends
but also reminds me that life is short.
rushes out the gratitude.

I don't know, there's no one who can really say i "should" or "shouldn't" be, say, think, or do anything.

"life is short" is my new mantra;.
i feel like everything i once knew is all jacked up and in little pieces and floating above me in a mess
like in willy wonka
a million little pieces above my head.

when Casey died, i pictured his body lying there,
lifeless. nothing in him.
it was all i could see for a time which felt like the longest time.
i have never believed in a true "spirit/body" connection and disconnection
or at least i felt like spirits floating around with no bodies were pointless...
because what could they do without a vehicle....?

but i couldn't get over this
creepy revelation
that his body was here on this earth..and HE was no where to be found.
CASEY was gone.
the body..here. the body...nothing without CASEY....whatever that means.

no idea.
I have no idea what to think of that.

the morning after he passed, the most beautiful sunrise i had ever seen came over the rockies
and that night,
the sunset was unrivaled by any that came before,



and i saw Casey there.
he was there, in the sky.........and i swear he was talking to me.

that morning i smiled for the last time that day.
that night i cried again...again, and not the last time for him.


the day after his funeral service
i saw a rainbow stretching all the way from A to B and
you could've missed it if you hadn't looked outside in just the right place in just the right moment of time.

but i saw it.
and i felt him there.
and i felt him all around me saying
"it won't be so bad. it won't be so hard. because i am still here."